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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29780868">The Final Year</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks'>LittleSweetCheeks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Madam Secretary</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Illness, Major character death - Freeform, Other, trigger warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:15:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29780868</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nadine faces a choice- one year of wonderful or a few years of the unknown.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elizabeth McCord/Henry McCord/Nadine Tolliver</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>108</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First, sorry. This came to me and wouldn't let go, but I will try and balance the angst here with pretty stories as well elsewhere.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Remember, I have to leave work by two today." Nadine casually reminded as she entered the bathroom to finish getting ready. Elizabeth was at the sink finishing up her make-up, her phone on the counter.</p>
<p>"I will make sure you're not needed after one thirty." Blake's disembodied voice responded. </p>
<p>"I wasn't actually talking to you, but thank you." She laughed, reaching around Elizabeth for a tube of lipstick, checking the color before reaching for another.</p>
<p>"Here. Is this the one you're looking for?" Elizabeth handed her a tube that had rolled away from the rest. "Are you about ready?"</p>
<p>"Just need shoes and coffee." She moved to Henry's mirror so she could see what she was doing. "How are we doing on time?"</p>
<p>"I'm seven minutes out and have coffee, tea, and a box of muffins." Blake answered again, making both women laugh. </p>
<p>Once she'd moved in, they'd discovered that it was simply easier for Blake to ride with the pick up, it gave the three of them an extra twenty or so minutes to review the day's schedule every morning. "Well, I'm fully dressed and made up… And I believe my bag is loaded. Liz on the other hand…” She trailed off, appreciating the view of Elizabeth leaned over in nothing but a skirt and bra. Sliding against the counter, she reached out and trailed a finger along the lace edge of Elizabeth’s bra with a husky chuckle.</p>
<p>“And I’m hanging up now.” Blake instantly cut in. “Six minutes and I’m walking right in and hauling you both to the car, so be ready. I know what you both think, but six minutes isn’t long enough for whatever you think you can pull off.” Elizabeth’s phone made a soft beep signifying the call had ended.</p>
<p>Nadine pulled away. “Which blouse are you wearing?” As she turned the corner into their closet, she peeked back over her shoulder.</p>
<p>“That kind of orange one hanging on the door I think.”</p>
<p>Nadine heard her snap shut the eye shadow case and toss it in with the others. By the time she joined her at the closet, she already had it off the hanger and held out. “Here you go.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.” Elizabeth brushed a kiss to her lips. “You know, one of these days we’re going to have to test out whether or not he’d make good on that threat.” She laughed. “I don’t think he would.”</p>
<p>Following Elizabeth out of the room and down to the kitchen, she laughed as well. “I think he is banking on me not being willing to find out.”</p>
<p>Once they were in the SUV, Elizabeth ended up on a call with Russell, leaving Nadine and Blake to review on their own. When he tapped her shoulder gently, she twisted to see him.</p>
<p>“I thought your physical was three weeks ago.” He kept his voice low so it wouldn’t disturb the other conversation.</p>
<p>“It was.” She gave him a quick nod. “The doctor’s office called and asked if I could come back in, didn’t say why. The may want to just draw more blood, they had a hard time getting what they wanted before.” His snicker made her laugh. “They called yesterday and said they could squeeze me in today. I figured, with our schedules it was probably for the best or I’d end up rescheduling six times before getting in.”</p>
<p>“So, you’ll be out the rest of the day then?”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t think so. Even with a blood draw, I wouldn’t expect it to take more than an hour tops. I should be back to finish out the day.”</p>
<p>“Good to know.”</p>
<p>Elizabeth’s call ended with a huff, making Nadine grin. “Change of plans?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” She sounded resigned. “I need to stop at the White House for about fifteen minutes.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The waiting room was surprisingly empty when Nadine entered. Looking around at the unusually empty chairs, she crossed to the little window, waiting until the nurse on the other side slid it open, the hollow grating noise loud in the quiet room.</p><p>“Ms. Tolliver?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Go ahead and put your name and the time on the sheet there and I’ll let Doctor Holt know you’re here. She should only be a moment.”</p><p>Scratching the information out quickly, Nadine took a seat and thumbed through emails on her phone, taking advantage of the silence. When the door opened, she looked up expecting to see another nurse, but instead it was Doctor Holt. “Ms. Tolliver, if you would please come with me?”</p><p>Somewhat thrown by seeing her doctor fetching her personally, Nadine gathered her bag and followed. When they passed the hall of exam rooms, she looked over her shoulder in confusion. She’d never once been down the hall toward the offices.</p><p>“Please, have a seat.” Doctor Holt closed the door. “Would you like a bottled water?”</p><p>“N-no, thank you.” Her brows knit together. “What’s- what’s this about?” Something about the whole thing felt off.</p><p>“I wanted to discuss the results of your bloodwork with you.”</p><p>“O- oh. Okay.” Nadine folded her hands in her lap. “Well?”</p><p>“The preliminary tests that were done indicated you may have cancer.”</p><p>Silence hung over the room. Cancer. It rattled around her mind. “How- how likely is it?”</p><p>Doctor Holt’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “I would say it’s a certainty. We have some other tests to do and then I want to get you set up with an oncologist who will want to review all the findings and pursue exploratory surgery.”</p><p>“S- surgery?”</p><p>“Possibly, yes.” She nodded. “Is there anyone I could call for you?”</p><p>“No.” She shook her head. “There’s no one.” There was no way they would be able to justify Elizabeth leaving work to hold her hand at the doctor.</p><p>Her doctor didn’t look like she believed her, but let it go. “I know you have to get back to work, but we can schedule you a time to come in and do an ultrasound. I have a staff tech, but I always sit in for the scan-”</p><p>“No. I’d like to do it now.”</p><p>There was a pause. “Okay.” She stood. “Let me go let them know and then we’ll get set up, okay?”</p><p>“Yes. Okay. I’ll… I’ll call work quickly and let them know I’ll be out the rest of the day.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Once she was alone, Nadine found her phone again and debated. Elizabeth would want to know why the sudden change and she just couldn’t handle getting into it over the phone. Not before she had answers. Taking the easier way out, she dialed for Blake instead. “It’s me.” She used it as a greeting.</p><p>“On your way back?” He was chipper and partially distracted.</p><p>“Um…no. I- I won’t be back in today after all. I need you to cover for me.”</p><p>“With the Secretary?” His confusion was obvious. Of course he wouldn’t understand why she would ask him to lie about her whereabouts to the person she was actually in a relationship with.</p><p>“Yes. Just say… Just say something came up and since I was already out of the building, I decided to handle it.”</p><p>“…Did it?” She knew he could tell she was lying about something.</p><p>“Blake…”</p><p>His voice dropped. “Where are you?”</p><p>His concern made her choke up. “I- I can’t. Not now.”</p><p>“Okay… Take care of yourself.”</p><p>“I promise. Everything’s fine.”</p><p>She ended the call just as a soft knock tapped on the door before it opened again. “It’s all being set up. If you’d come with me, I’ll take to a room where you can get changed.”</p><p>When she drew a breath, it was shaky, and when she stood, her knees felt unsteady, but Nadine clung to her bag with both hands and followed the doctor down to an exam room. She was thankful now that no one else was about. In the room, she was left with a paper gown and sheet. She stared at them for a moment, trying to find the courage to strip down.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nadine tried to count the holes in the ceiling tiles. She tried to mentally reread the last clean water proposal that had been on her desk. She tried to translate the preamble of the Constitution into French… and then into Russian.</p><p>She tried to do anything to keep her mind off the uncomfortable exam taking place and the way her body was trembling. The room was cold, but she didn’t think it was from that. More likely, it was from feeling so exposed, spread out like she was, and from the discomfort of having something prodding around inside her.</p><p>“How are you doing up there?” Doctor Holt softly asked, breaking up the silence.</p><p>Nadine cleared her throat. “Fine.” She had to blink back the threat of tears. “Can you- can you tell anything?”</p><p>There was more quiet before she answered. “A specialist really needs to review these.”</p><p>“Please.” It came out as a desperate whisper. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Doctor Holt nod.</p><p>“Just a few more pictures and then we’ll talk.”</p><p>Nadine nodded.</p><p>Once the exam finished, Nadine was left on her own again to get cleaned up. Anxiously, she waited for the doctor to step back in to hopefully bring some clarity to what was going on. Seated on the exam table again once she was fully dressed, she watched the doctor come in and take a seat.</p><p>“Please understand that I can’t give you certainties.”</p><p>“I- I know.”</p><p>“Having said that… The bloodwork, plus the few symptoms you casually mentioned before, and the images we just collected, I would err on the side of results being conclusive.”</p><p>“How- How bad? I mean, what stage?”</p><p>“I can’t say for certain. You will need a specialist for that. However. Early stages tend to be asymptomatic, so again, I would guess it has progressed to perhaps stage three of four. I’m only willing to make that guess because you’ve been my patient for a number of years.”</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>“A friend of mine is a specialist in this kind of cancer. Her name is Doctor Plattner, I will give you her information but I can also arrange an appointment for you to see her before you leave today. I spoke to her yesterday about treatments for this. She told me the next steps would be a biopsy. It’s an in and out procedure, you would just need to take it easy afterward.” Nadine remained quiet as her doctor studied her. “Would you like me to see how soon you can get in to see Doctor Plattner?”</p><p>“Please. Whatever the first available is, I’ll make it work.” She'd had to find some convincing excuse for another appointment. Simply saying it was another doctor's visit would be met with too many questions.</p><p>“Of course.” She started to stand, but then sat again. “Do you have any other questions for me?”</p><p>“No. I don’t think I do.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Idly, Nadine wandered the grocery store, pushing a cart. She had no idea why she was here except she wasn’t ready to go home and she couldn’t just go into work now.</p><p>Home.</p><p>Until she had something concrete, she didn’t want to worry the family. They’d only make a big deal about it. Looking around the aisles, Nadine made a plan. She’d cook up a nice dinner, food made for a great distraction. Turning the cart around, she started at the far end again, selecting anything her family liked to eat, even the snacks they so rarely bought. She wanted to see them all happy.</p><p>By the time everyone came home, she had the house smelling delicious. The kids excitedly nosed around until she shooed them away to set the table and handle a few chores. She found herself smiling as they told her about their day and she soaked it up, asking more questions than usual. It was an odd weight, realizing for perhaps the first time just how fleeting life really was. She was so thankful to get to have this and wanted to be fully present in every moment she was gifted.</p><p>She found herself more affectionate with them. It wasn’t that she wasn’t tactile normally, she just now had an urge to get as much in as possible.</p><p>When Elizabeth got home, she was ready with a vague excuse for her afternoon. “I just had a few errands to run and figured I could take advantage of the time off.”</p><p>Elizabeth kissed her and laughed. “I could use one of those.”</p><p>“While I was running around, I heard from a contact regarding my proposal for Africa?” Her brain screamed at her for lying to Elizabeth, but she ignored it.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Next Tuesday I’m going to meet up with them hopefully, so I’ll be out part of the day. They’re in town for a few hours and are squeezing me in over lunch. It could have us one step closer to getting someone boots on the ground, resource stability in Central Africa.”</p><p>“Great. I’ll make sure Blake knows you’ll be out.”</p><p>With a nod, Nadine turned away, trying to remain calm. She did have a meeting planned with someone about just that, but it was via phone on Monday. She’d never outright lied to Elizabeth before and didn’t like how it felt, but it was for her own good. “Dinner’s ready.”</p><p>“I’m starving.”</p><p>=</p><p>Hours later as Elizabeth and Henry both slept to her right, Nadine laid in bed wide awake. Only a few more days and then she would been meeting with the new doctor to learn her fate. She wasn’t ready.</p><p>She wasn’t ready to be told her world was being turned upside down. She wasn’t ready to hear that she’d be losing the family she’d finally found. She wasn’t ready to face something so huge.</p><p>Turning, she started at Elizabeth’s back. She wasn’t ready to tell them the truth.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Ms. Tolliver. May I call you Nadine?” Doctor Plattner was a younger woman with red hair and a kind smile.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Nadine. With these results sent over from your physician, I would really like to get a biopsy done as soon as possible to see what we’re working with.”</p><p>“So... You believe it’s cancer as well?”</p><p>“Unfortunately, I do. What I don’t know is how far it’s spread. I can work you in whenever is convenient.”</p><p>“I can- I can be ready tomorrow.” She kept still as Doctor Plattner looked her over. “Just tell me what I need to do.”</p><p>“You’ll need to fast beforehand, I’ll get you an information sheet. The procedure doesn’t take all that long, but you’ll need a lift home and to take it easy for a few days. The pain will be manageable with over the counter pain relievers and then in roughly a week, we’ll have more concrete answers.” The room went quiet again for a minute. “Does that all sound acceptable?”</p><p>“Yes. I can handle that. Just let me know what time and I’ll be here.”</p><p>“I’ll go get you the information.”</p><p>=</p><p>Nadine made it back to her car before calling Elizabeth. She was going to have to lie again and she didn’t want this lie going through Blake. He knew far too much about her workload to not question it to her face, though if he heard it through Elizabeth, he’d keep quiet.</p><p>“Nadine. How was the meeting?” Elizabeth greeted.</p><p>“It went well. Things are possibly moving forward, so I’m going to ride up by train to New York and get deeper into it while we have momentum. I’m headed to the house quickly for an overnight bag just in case talks run late. I don’t really want to take a red-eye if I don’t have to.”</p><p>“I totally get it. Keep me up to date on things as they progress.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“I’ll miss you at home, but work comes first, I suppose.”</p><p>Despite herself, Nadine laughed. “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”</p><p>“I look forward to it.”</p><p>Ending the call, Nadine dialed another number and waited for the line to connect. “Yes, I’d like to book a room for two nights… Nadine Tolliver…” The Westmoore was one of the most discreet hotels in the city, far away from the normal Hill traffic and yet close enough to not be totally pointless. “Tonight and tomorrow, correct… Would there be opportunity to extend it by one night? I may have to stay a bit longer… Thank you.”</p><p>Once she was off the phone, Nadine pointed her car toward the house to pack. Two nights in a hotel, preparing for and recovering from the biopsy, alone. She wasn’t looking forward to it, but it was for the best. No one needed to know.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nadine was in pain and woozy from the drugs she’d been given for the procedure as she stumbled back into her hotel room. She’d taken a cab to and from the hospital, the cab driver on the way back had verbalized concern about her condition, but she’d assured him she’d be just fine.</p><p>Finding her way to the bed, she curled up with one arm holding her stomach carefully. She hated feeling like this, hated feeling miserable.</p><p>Hated being miserable alone, but there was no choice. She couldn’t cause Elizabeth undue worry until she had concrete answers. She was afraid, though. Afraid of what was to come. Afraid of seeing pity in everyone’s eyes.</p><p>Afraid of the way she knew her body responded to even the smallest amounts of anesthetic. Judging by the growing migraine, she’d spend much of the afternoon and evening hunched over the toilet bowl as her body objected to the procedure.</p><p>Of course, once treatments started for the cancer, she’d probably find herself ill all the time. She wouldn’t be able to work like that, it would be a miserable way to live. All her lifelong achievements would be forgotten as soon as she became the poor woman who got cancer and had to quit.</p><p>She would be reduced to a statistic.</p><p>The bed seemed to begin to sway, Nadine fisted the sheets and tried to breathe through her mouth and then nose. She begged and pleaded for her body to be fine <em>just this once.</em> Bile licked acidic at her throat and she was up, stumbling into the bathroom and falling to the floor by the toilet.</p><p>Her body shook as she heaved, a line of sweat forming along her brow from the stress on her body. In the next room, her phone rang, no doubt Elizabeth checking in to see how the trip she was supposedly on was going. Her fake trip probably would have being going much better than her real stay now. Visions of eating out in some fancy New York restaurant filled her mind, reminding her of what she was missing for just a minute until her stomach turned again.</p><p>Whatever the results were, she couldn’t carry on like this.</p><p>An hour passed before she could crawl back to the bed again. The small incision sites ached and tugged with every movement. Finding her phone, she pressed Elizabeth’s contact and cleared her throat, praying she sounded just fine.</p><p>“Hey, Baby. How’s your day been?”</p><p>Nadine smiled, knowing that it would make her voice relax. “Fine, nothing all that exciting. How was the office?”</p><p>Elizabeth launched into a recount of a meeting with Russell as Nadine worked to follow along and ask appropriate questions. As the story reached its conclusion, she asked a question of her own. “Are you okay, Nadine? You sound a little off?”</p><p>“Oh.” Crap. “I was up all of last night is all. I’m a bit worn out, probably will head to bed soon.”</p><p>“You work too hard. I should make you take some time off before you run yourself into the ground.”</p><p>“I’ll try to do better. Actually, if you don’t really need me around the office, I might take the rest of the week to work from home.”</p><p>“That’s not a vacation, Nadine.”</p><p>“It’s the best you’ll get from me. And you never know, I might get distracted by the stack of books I haven’t finished and might actually finish one.” The unwell feeling was beginning to return. “I’m sure you have a lot to finish on your end, so I’ll let you go.”</p><p>“I do… If you promise to at least look at those books, I’m fine with you working from home a bit. I mean it, Nadine, I can’t afford for you to be off your game.”</p><p>“I- I know.” Her chest squeezed. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too, Baby.”</p><p>The line disconnected and Nadine laid very still as she tried to work out exactly what the most urgent feeling was at the moment. She had to get a handle on all this, Elizabeth needed her.</p><p>=</p><p>The following morning, Nadine blearily stared at her own reflection in the mirror. The nausea from the anesthesia had finally worn off just after midnight, leaving her only aching around the incision sites on her stomach. She’d have to come up with an explanation for the next week or so if either Henry or Elizabeth caught sight of them.</p><p>Nothing convincing was coming to her.</p><p>In the short term, her plan was to simply avoid them seeing her naked, which was minimally workable. She almost never slept naked, mostly because Elizabeth ran so hot that the bedroom was kept constantly cold, forcing her to sleep in long pajamas year round while it was Elizabeth who slept in as little as possible.</p><p>She could even explain away simply not being interested in sex for a few days. That wasn’t unheard of either. Even before menopause, she’d never had Elizabeth’s insatiable sex drive.</p><p>Avoiding baths might be harder to get around. They both knew she enjoyed them to ease the aches and pains in her body, especially in her back, which apparently had been a symptom of this cancer and she just hadn’t known it, so suddenly not wanting a soak almost every night would definitely make them ask questions.</p><p>She also dressed for work right alongside them every day and showered either with one of them or when they were coming in and out of the bathroom. There’d never been a reason to be shy with their bodies around each other.</p><p>Blinking at her reflection, Nadine decided that was a problem for later. She’d think of something on the fly… Or the entire deception would crash down around her. Right now it was time to pack up and find somewhere around the city to hang out until late afternoon when her fake train was due back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey.” It was soft and yet it still made her jump.</p><p>She’d managed to keep Henry and Elizabeth from noticing her scars as they’d healed, a feat she still wasn’t entirely certain how she’d pulled off. It’d been almost two weeks, her appointment with Doctor Plattner was after work today, and she’d thought she’d been doing well at covering how anxious she was to hear once and for all her fate.</p><p>The appearance of Jay in her doorway wearing a look of deep concern told her that perhaps she hadn’t been entirely successful.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>That his question made her want to burst into tears worried her. Jay had been her coworker the longest. Sometimes it gave them a better read on one another than anyone else around the office. “I’m okay.” It came out as a bit of a croak.</p><p>Jay said nothing. He stepped into her office and shut the door, crossing to close all her blinds one at a time before moving things around on her desk so he could sit on the edge next to her. “Nadine.”</p><p>“I’m fine, Jay.” She looked anywhere else in the room but at him.</p><p>“You’ve been staring at your couch for over an hour.”</p><p>“…Oh.”</p><p>“You haven’t been yourself for a while now. Come on, talk to me. Has something happened between you and…” He tipped his head toward the hall. He’d been a bit of the devil’s advocate about the entire relationship, in part because he now knew his concerns in the past had tied in directly to her secret relationship with Marsh.</p><p>She shook her head. “No. Nothing like that.” How she wished it was as simple as conflict within their relationship.</p><p>“Because I always have a place for you, no matter the time, if you need it. I’m always here for you.”</p><p>“Th-” She choked up, reaching out and patting his knee while she fought to be able to speak again. “Thank you.”</p><p>He covered her hand with his own. “Something is bothering you.” He leaned forward so he could see her downturned face. “Hey.” With his free hand, he reached out, encouraging her to look up again. “You look like you’re about to cry.”</p><p>If anyone else dared get this far into her personal space, she would’ve had them boxing up their desk. It was different with Jay, for whatever reason. He was, at the most frustrating times, to her much the same as Blake was to Elizabeth. Not on a day to day basis, but he’d always been the one to bully her into eating or taking a break. When she and Elizabeth had started dating, they’d sat together one evening after both being forced home, musing over their apparent guardians. Henry had overheard from his desk behind them and had commented that he’d always liked Blake for his protective nature and now he liked Jay too.</p><p>She didn’t know what to say to him to get him to leave it alone. She could lash out in anger, but it wouldn’t make him stop worrying. If anything, it would make him double down in his concern. Trying to think, she squeezed her eyes shut, feeling as tears did manage to break free.</p><p>“Come on.” She felt more than saw as he stood and then turned her chair before his hand was out, waiting to pull her to her feet. “We’ll go for a walk.”</p><p>“I have work to get through before…” Her voice was rough and she couldn’t finish.</p><p>“I’ll help you if you need it.” When she looked up at him, he was reading her face. “Let me go make an excuse and we’ll go out. Don’t run away on me, okay?”</p><p>Nadine nodded. “Okay.” As he slipped out, she hurriedly wiped her face dry.</p><p>=</p><p>It was only a couple minute walk to the memorials, which they made in silence. Once there, their pace slowed and she could feel Jay glancing at her every few steps. “Last month I…” Her voice broke a moment. “I had my annual physical.” When the silence between them filled in again, Jay didn’t break it. “A few weeks ago now I was called back to go over the results.” She studied her feet as she kept moving forward. “My doctor suspected the results meant I had cancer and did some more tests which led to me seeing an oncologist to review all of it. The, uh, the next day I had a biopsy… That’s why I was out for a few days. I had it done and then took some time to recover.”</p><p>“And…” His voice was low. “And the biopsy results?”</p><p>“I don’t know yet.” She shook her head. “My follow-up appointment is after work today.”</p><p>They made it halfway around the fountain before he spoke again. “What do Elizabeth and Henry say?” When it was at work or work related, he used her title, but when he was talking with Nadine, as a friend, about her partner, he used Elizabeth.</p><p>“They don’t know.”</p><p>Jay stopped walking and then caught her arm, tugging her back. “How…”</p><p>“I… I told Elizabeth I had to meet up with someone in New York and then stayed at a hotel. I didn’t want to worry her. She knows I had my physical, obviously, and the follow up too, but… I didn’t tell her about the oncologist or the biopsy. I managed to keep my recovery from them.” She gave a weak smile. “It was mostly handfuls of pain killers and determination, but I managed.”</p><p>He was closely reading her face now. “You’ve kept this from them for… two weeks? Wha- what about tonight? One of them is going with you to get the results, right?”</p><p>“No.” She shook her head again, looking away across the monuments so she didn’t have to see the look on his face. “Elizabeth needs me to be able to handle everything I do, she doesn’t need me sick. If it’s nothing, I don’t want her to be freaked out for no reason.”</p><p>“Nadine…” He sighed. “That’s literally the whole point of a relationship, so they can be there for the hard parts.”</p><p>Her face twisted as she fought back tears. “I can’t. I can’t tell them and then see…pity. I can’t face that. Right now no one knows and my life can carry on like normal. I- I don’t want to be ‘That woman who used to be Chief of Staff’ or- or ‘Poor Nadine’. I know how people will talk once it gets out.”</p><p>“Okay…” He seemed to make a decision. “What if I go with you? I can meet you there and I’ll stay outside. If you need me, all you’ll have to do is call and I’ll be right there… Okay? You can’t face this on your own.”</p><p>She rolled his offer around in her mind before finally nodding. “Okay.”</p><p>He cupped her arms a moment before tugging her toward himself, bending down so he could hug her properly. Holding her tight, he didn’t let go until she released him first. The hug lingered for a minute before she finally did. “I’m here for you, Nadine.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Is there someone with you?” It was the first question Doctor Plattner asked upon entering the office and it made Nadine’s heart plummet.</p><p>“It’s just me.” She could feel the burn of tears already behind her eyes.</p><p>The doctor watched her carefully as she took a seat behind the desk, opening a folder but not looking at it. Clearly, she already knew what she was going to say. “I am very sorry, Nadine. The biopsy results were not positive news.”</p><p>She nodded quickly, staring at her hands.</p><p>“It’s metastasized to other areas already. We can get you started on treatments, but it will be a rough road, especially if you’re going it alone. I prefer to know my patients have a solid support network and even then, I have a therapist I will be setting you up with.”</p><p>“What- what happens now?” She folded her hands together to hide the way they shook.</p><p>“A few rounds of chemotherapy to shrink down what we can followed by surgery. Our hope will be to get it under control and to a manageable level. After surgery, it will be a repeat of chemotherapy again.”</p><p>Nadine tried to work out in her mind what that would look like. Chemo wasn’t exactly something she could hide, not at work and definitely not from Elizabeth or Henry. She swallowed. “What’s my prognosis?”</p><p>“With treatment… There’s about a seventy percent survival rate to five years and beyond.”</p><p>“But I’ll… I’ll be sick in that time. Correct?”</p><p>“Yes. Chemo would likely leave you with a host of side effects that would make you sick.”</p><p>“And… I wouldn’t be able to work?”</p><p>“I encourage my patients to attempt to carry on life as much as they can. What is it you do?”</p><p>“I’m, um-” She drew a shaky breath. “I’m the Chief of Staff for Elizabeth McCord.” She straightened her spine and looked Doctor Plattner in the eye finally.</p><p>“The Secretary of State?”</p><p>“Mm hm.” She nodded.</p><p>“That’s a very high stress, active job with… lots of travel?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Then it might be time to consider stepping down. At least temporarily.”</p><p>That burning feeling flared and she blinked hard to keep it at bay. “And surgery?”</p><p>“Recovery takes a few weeks. No lifting, take it easy, normally patients come out nicely.”</p><p>One last thought crossed Nadine’s mind. “And… and if I do nothing?”</p><p>“I’m sorry?”</p><p>“If I do nothing. If I keep working and just let it run its course.” Nadine forced herself to breathe evenly. “What would you expect of my outcome?”</p><p>Concern was obvious on her doctor’s face. “Six months. Maybe a year. But Nadine, I don’t advise doing nothing at all. You’re still young, treatment could buy you decades even.”</p><p>“Can I- Can I take some time to figure everything out?”</p><p>“Of course. But the sooner we get treatment started, the better your outcome will be.”</p><p>“I just- I just need to process everything. I have to decide what it is I want to do.”</p><p>The doctor stood and Nadine copied her. “You have my card, please call day or night, the call service will contact me immediately. I want to help you beat this.”</p><p>She didn’t know what else to say, so Nadine slipped out the door and headed for the exit. It was already dark outside as she neared the front of the building. Staring out the glass doors, she suddenly dug out her phone and pressed the speed dial she needed. By the time the line connected, she was already on the verge of tears. “Jay?”</p><p>It was all he needed to hear. “I’m on my way in, where are you?”</p><p>“Just-” She caught on a sob. “Just inside.”</p><p>“Don’t move.” He must’ve sprinted once the call dropped, because he rushed in only seconds later, wrapping her in a bear hug just as the second sob broke free. In his arms, she clung tight to his sleeves as she fell apart.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“No, Ma’am, we’re just wanting to get these inducements finished tonight just in case Russell blows a gasket tomorrow about India again.” Jay lied through his teeth, glancing at where Nadine was curled up on his couch, eyes red. He’d gotten out of her that her lie for not coming straight home from work had been about the inducement package, a package he and Blake had finished a week ago quietly. “She’s on with the minister’s Chief of Staff and realized the time and asked me to call is all, Ma’am.” He prayed she bought it. When she did, he let out the breath he’d been holding. “I’ll tell her to call as soon as she’s off the phone.”</p><p>One he was done, Jay tossed his phone on the table and crossed back to his living room, kneeling down so he was eye level with Nadine. “How are you doing?”</p><p>Her eyes lifted to her face and focused on him, but she remained silent. It was still a marked improvement from every minute since he’d run through that door at the medical center. He’d driven her back to his place after flashing his work ID and begging security to keep an eye on her car for the night.</p><p>“I’ll be right back.” He stood again, clinking around in the kitchen before returning with two tumblers of scotch. “Sit up for me.” So far she hadn’t actually said a word to him about what the doctor had said. He was waiting for her to broach the subject first.</p><p>At his nudging, she complied, allowing him to tuck her into his side when he sat beside her. When he pressed one tumbler into her hands, she sipped it, savoring the burn.</p><p>When it became obvious she wasn’t going to talk on her own, he finally accepted he’d have to prod just a bit. “I take it the news wasn’t what you hoped.”</p><p>Nadine sucked in a breath and then cleared her throat. “No.”</p><p>“Do you want to tell me about it?”</p><p>“… Not really, no.” She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to see him already pitying her. Frankly, she wanted to forget she ever spoke to Doctor Plattner and just carry on with life as usual. Her compartmentalization skills weren’t nearly on par with Elizabeth’s, but a generous dose of denial could go a long way.</p><p>“Nadine…” When she did glance up at the soft sound of her name, it wasn’t pity in his eyes, but worry and concern.</p><p>She sipped more of her scotch. “I have two choices really. I quit my job and spend the next six months or more undergoing chemo… surgery… All of which will make me sicker and weaker and wishing I was dead. I would probably have to resign my position and lose everything I’ve worked my whole life for.”</p><p>“…Or?”</p><p>“Or… I do nothing and get six months to a year of wonderful memories. I would keep working and just being me.”</p><p>He sucked in a sharp breath. “You can’t do nothing, Nadine.”</p><p>“I could. I can monitor and treat the symptoms as they happen and otherwise carry on working and living my life. Maybe I could travel Europe and really see it, or go spend the summer on the beach. I could quit anyway and enjoy being home with the kids.” She paused.</p><p>“What about… What about your relationship? You can’t make a decision like this on your own, you need to talk to them. You- you’re already lying about doctors visits. You lied about having surgery!”</p><p>“Obviously, if I went with treatment of any kind, I’d have to tell them-”</p><p>“No.” He cut her off. “You have to tell them either way, no matter what. And tonight.”</p><p>“What?” She pushed upright to turn and face him.</p><p>“As one of your closest friends, I am invoking the right to do what is best for you whether you agree with me or not. I absolutely will not allow you to make this decision on your own, not when there are two people who love you more than anything in the world waiting for you to come home.”</p><p>Her eyes filled with fresh tears. “Jay, please…” She shook her head, hoping he’d understand.</p><p>“I’ll come with you. I’ll sit right with you until you’re ready for me to leave.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“That I’m not going to let my friend suffer alone? Yes. I’m sure.” He tipped her glass up a bit with one finger. “Drink this and then I’ll drive you home.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The car ride was made in complete silence. Nadine spent the entire time staring out the window at the world going by, not doing anything at all about the tears dripping down her cheeks. The knowledge that all of it could end so very soon made everything look different, new.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until they were parked just up from the house, she could see Frank and Matt laughing about something standing out front, that she started to struggle to breathe. Her hands were shaking and no matter what she did, she couldn’t remember how to make it stop. “Jay.” Her voice sounded thin and strained.</p>
<p>He seemed to instantly see her distress. “You’re safe, Nadine. Try to only think about your breathing.”</p>
<p>“I…” She couldn’t remember the question. Her face began to feel strange and she lifted one shaking hand to touch her hose and lips. They felt fuzzy, as if the circulation had been cut off.</p>
<p>Jay’s hands were on her back, her arm. “You’re safe.” He repeated it twice more. “Come on.”</p>
<p>She tried to listen to his voice, but couldn’t. She shook her head, but that only causing the fuzzy, disoriented feeling to make everything start to swim. “Jay?” She groaned. “What ‘s this?”</p>
<p>“You don’t- you don’t look so good, Nadine. You need to breathe.”</p>
<p>“-Can’t.” She clamped a hand over her mouth, spurring Jay into motion, shoving himself over her to open her door. She was certain the seat belt was the only thing keeping her in her seat as she gagged over the gutter, his hand still rubbing her back.</p>
<p>As her body finally began to calm, she felt him pull away and then heard as he got out, rounding the car to help her sit up again. “Come on.” He whispered. “It was just a panic attack.” When she didn’t move, he leaned in and freed her from the seatbelt before pulling her out and to her feet. He took a moment to hug her. “This is for the best. I promise.”</p>
<p>If Matt and Frank had any questions about what they’d seen, neither of them voiced them as Jay led Nadine straight into the house.</p>
<p>Looking around the dim first floor, Jay didn’t see signs of anyone. He was still holding a shaking Nadine against his side and he feared she wasn’t steady enough for him to let go. “Where is everyone?” He asked her softly.</p>
<p>She blinked slowly as she looked around. “They, um, they… we always take our paperwork upstairs and sit in bed together with it.”</p>
<p>“Interesting bonding time.” When she gave him a sharp look, he offered a partial smile. “And so totally the three of you.” He started for the stairs. “Come on.”</p>
<p>“You’re coming up with me?”</p>
<p>“I said I’d be right here for the whole thing. I meant that.” He didn’t let go at all as she navigated the way to the master bedroom.</p>
<p>The sight of Jay holding her had both Henry and Elizabeth on high alert even before they processed her tearstained face. Elizabeth was off the bed instantly. “Nay? What’s- what’s wrong?” She looked from Nadine to Jay. “Jay?”</p>
<p>Nadine opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a choked sob. She desperately looked up at Jay.</p>
<p>“I think we should all sit down, Elizabeth.” That he used her first name seemed to make her realized the gravity of the moment. He leaned his head down so Nadine would listen. “Go sit with them. I promise I’m not leaving until you say it’s okay.” Her fists still gripped his shirt.</p>
<p>After two minutes passed, she finally let go and crawled up on the bed, curling into a tight ball. Face buried into her arms, she whispered a request. “Please tell them, Jay? For me? I- I can’t do it.”</p>
<p>As one, both Elizabeth and Henry’s eyes went from staring down at Nadine to up at where Jay still stood. “Tell us what?” Henry finally asked.</p>
<p>If he was already uncomfortable standing in his boss’s bedroom late into the evening, handling the request Nadine had just made was ten times so. “There’s a lot to it, but the summary is that tonight…” He really didn’t want to be the one to say it, but he worried if he pushed her into doing it herself, she’d have another panic attack. “A doctor confirmed she has cancer.”</p>
<p>On the bed, Nadine began to cry again.</p>
<p>They were both speechless, but Elizabeth recovered first. “What?”</p>
<p>“I only know what she told me today.” He paused, staring openly at the way Henry curled onto his side, tucking the increasingly distraught Nadine into his chest. “Her normal doctor got some results back and sent her to a specialist who… Did some additional tests.” He wasn’t about to share the details of that that he did know. “This evening was her follow up for those results.”</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell us, Baby?” Henry whispered.</p>
<p>Elizabeth looked from her husband and partner back to Jay. “I… She never said a thing.”</p>
<p>“She didn’t want you to know. I- I told her she didn’t get a choice. I invoked the friendship clause.”</p>
<p>The room was silent again except for Nadine’s stuttered sobs. Elizabeth spoke again in a whisper. “Thank you, Jay. We’ll look after her from here.”</p>
<p>“I told her I wouldn’t leave tonight until she said it was okay.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nadine woke up curled in a tight ball with a migraine that told her she’d cried herself to sleep. At her back, Elizabeth was spooned protectively around her while at her front, Henry was curled, their arms and legs forming a protective barrier between her and the rest of the world. For a minute, she wondered why, and then she remembered.</p><p>They knew.</p><p>Moving to try and stretch her body out, they both stirred and then held her even closer. “I- I need to get up.” She whispered. “I need the bathroom for a second.”</p><p>Elizabeth kissed the back of her head. “Come right back to us.” She rolled away so Nadine could get up.</p><p>Stiffly, she climbed around them and slipped to the restroom, taking care of what she needed before nervously returning. She couldn’t remember any of the night before and her head throbbed too much to try and think now. “You- you know everything?” She hovered by the closet doorway.</p><p>They both looked up at her, but it was Elizabeth who moved to her side. “Jay told us you’ve already seen a specialist? Who ran more tests? Why didn’t you tell us?”</p><p>“I didn’t want you to worry. I- wasn’t going to say anything until I had answers.”</p><p>“And now you have them.” She whispered.</p><p>Nadine nodded. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Henry’d been quiet up to then, but finally spoke. “What tests did they run?”</p><p>She didn’t answer.</p><p>He rolled to the side of the bed and sat up, his feet on the floor. “The way Jay said it, it sounded like more than a blood test.”</p><p>Her breathing picked up, they were going to hate her. “I had lap… I had laparoscopic surgery.”</p><p>“What?” Elizabeth’s voice was sharp, clearly shocked.</p><p>Slowly and with halting movements, Nadine lifted her shirt, showing the nearly healed small marks on her torso.</p><p>Elizabeth’s eyes went wide. “My god. You had surgery and didn’t tell us. You… How? How did we not know? You’ve never even been aw-” She cut off.</p><p>“I- I didn’t ride up to New York.” She answered around struggled breaths.</p><p>Henry shoved off the bed and stalked out of the room, only to return ten seconds later. “Where were you?”</p><p>“Westmoore. I stayed two nights.”</p><p>“You were only a few miles away recovering from- from surgery? And you couldn’t tell us?” He made a frustrated noise. “Nadine… Why?”</p><p>“I didn’t want you to worry about me.” Her voice dropped. “I need to have it all together. I need to be strong.” She turned to Elizabeth. “You said as much yourself.”</p><p>“Never at the expense of your health. And what about- what about this? Us? Do we just not mean enough to you for you to include us in this?”</p><p>She gasped for air. “You mean everything to me.”</p><p>“It doesn’t feel like it.” Henry replied.</p><p>Elizabeth seemed suddenly aware of Nadine’s spiraling condition. “Hey, it’s okay. We’ll handle all of this later. Just… What did the doctor say?”</p><p>She tried to focus. “One option is chemo and surgery.”</p><p>“And the other?”</p><p>“Do nothing.”</p><p>“Nadine…” It came out as a gasp of her own.</p><p>“I’d rather have-” She sucked in a breath. “I’d rather have six months of wonderful than a few years of miserable. There’s- there’s no guarantees.”</p><p>“I know, Baby.” She ran her fingers through Nadine’s hair. “Come back to bed. Doing nothing can’t be an option, but we need to talk about what comes next.”</p><p>As she followed, Nadine glanced in the direction of a clock and gasped. “We’re all late!”</p><p>“Not today.” Elizabeth got her arm around her and guided her to the bed. “We’re all staying home. The kids were told we got a surprise day off and were sent on their way. I didn’t want to tell them for you before you were ready.”</p><p>Henry rearranged around them as they settled. “We do have one person you have to deal with though.”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Jay. He crashed in the guest room, said he’d promised not to leave until you said it was okay. He’s downstairs working until you woke up and then he’ll head to the office to hold things down for us.”</p><p>“I should-”</p><p>Henry held her tight. “Not yet.” He nuzzled against her but didn’t instigate a kiss. “Listen to me.” His words were whispered. “I love you. I know I haven’t said the words before, but I am all in, for better and for worse, for in health and for in sickness. I’m all in, Elizabeth is all in. Whether we get just today or another forty years together, I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>She pulled him closer, tears forming anew. “Henry…”</p><p>“I know you’re scared. We’re scared too.” He swallowed. “Please let us help you decide what to do.”</p><p>She hadn’t wanted pity, but she hadn’t considered that it wouldn’t be what they’d give her. “I promise.” She let them hold her for a while before finally pulling away again. “Let me go send Jay away. I promise not to vanish on you.”</p><p>“You better not.” Elizabeth kissed her properly this time.</p><p>Down the stairs, she found Jay sitting at the kitchen table. His eyes were on her instantly. “Hey.” He stood, stepping closer.</p><p>“You- you can go now. Thank you for last night.”</p><p>“Anything for a friend. Just… I don’t want to lose any friend. Not without a fight. I am here for you no matter what, just promise me you’ll at least give treatment a try? I get that you think six months of special and wonderful is better than longer spent suffering, but the rest of us? We want more than six more months. Or a year. We want your entire lifetime.” She swallowed, ducking his head. “Even if we have to carry you for a bit along the way.”</p><p>She gave a small nod. “Okay.”</p><p>“Okay.” He held out his arms. “One more hug and then I’m off to work to pretend there isn’t anything going on. Call me though, even if it’s just to hear about how Matt and Blake are sniping at one another.”</p><p>Nadine stepped into his hug. “I will. I promise.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Doctor Plattner had looked genuinely surprised to see Nadine back so soon and with two people to support her. “My recommendation would be to start a cycle of oral chemo taken at home. You will take it for four weeks and then take two weeks off, repeating that cycle three times.”</p><p>“That’s- that’s like five months.”</p><p>“Yes. I have seen great success in your stage of the disease with this cocktail. I do encourage patients to attempt to continue working on the days they feel up to it, but I do understand that your particular job may not allow for that.” Her eyes drifted to Elizabeth.</p><p>“It’ll be fine.” Elizabeth insisted. “Everything can be flexible. If you want to work, we’ll make it happen.”</p><p>“We’ll do some more blood work and make a specific plan for your cocktail. I usually give patients about two weeks before starting, that gives them time to work out the details. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint, but you have a great team behind you to get you over the finish line.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Without thinking, she reached out and gripped Elizabeth’s hand. There was a momentary pause as the doctor simply stared and then Elizabeth used both her hands to grip Nadine’s right back.</p><p>=</p><p>“What should we do?” Henry sat on the couch in the den and pulled Nadine into his lap. Elizabeth had had to get back to the office for a few meetings, leaving the pair of them alone. “We need to do things to keep all our minds off what’s to come. No worrying.”</p><p>“I- I need to tell the kids. I don’t want them scared. Maybe we could go to the farm for a few days?”</p><p>“We can. But I was thinking more than that.” He looked right at her. “Like a weekend at Coney Island. Something fun, you know? We don’t know what your bad days are going to look like, but I think your good ones should be spent smiling and laughing as hard as you can. Between all of us, we can arrange anything. The world is at your disposal, just name a place and we’ll do it.”</p><p>“I’ll think about it.” She still wasn’t sure this was the right path for her, but it was hard to think about being gone forever when she was in Henry’s arms. “Can we lay here and rest for just a bit? I need to think of how to tell the kids.”</p><p>“We can lay here as long as you want.” He adjusted both of them on the couch. “And you won’t be alone when we tell them. You’re not alone for any part of this.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Reading over the seating plan for an upcoming state dinner, Nadine struggled to keep her eyes open.</p>
<p>Both Henry and Elizabeth had helped her explain what was coming to the kids and then in the intervening weeks, they’d taken time on the farm and did make a trip to the beach. Last night had been her first dose of chemo, she’d heard that taking it at night was better, but now she was fighting to read through the list in her hand. She hadn’t expected side effects to hit her so soon, figuring that they would come as time eventually went on.</p>
<p>Deciding she only needed a moment, she put the paperwork down and leaned back in her chair, letting her eyes fall shut.</p>
<p>=</p>
<p>Jay added another proposal on female entrepreneurs to the binder he was creating and reached for his coffee mug, frowning when it was empty. Standing, he glanced through the window and into the next office and paused.</p>
<p>Nadine had quietly shared with him that she had started her drug regimen, she didn’t want the rest of the staff to know, so a small part of him wasn’t completely panicked at the sight of her slumped in her chair, glasses askew.</p>
<p>Leaving his mug, Jay slipped from his office to hers, first closing all the blinds to give them some privacy. Once that was done, he gently shook her shoulder. “Nadine, you’ll be more comfortable on the couch. Let’s get you moved.” She barely roused, but it was enough that he took a risk and tugged her glasses off, leaving them on her desk before helping her to her feet. “That’s it.” When they got to the small couch, he helped her sit. “Kick your shoes off and lay this way.”</p>
<p>Slowly, she complied, curling around the pillow as soon as she was down.</p>
<p>Unfolding her blanket, Jay draped it over her, flipping off the light and pulling the door closed. At his own desk, he found a marker and made a sign stating Nadine’s office wasn’t to be disturbed and anyone needing her needed to see him instead. He taped the sign on her door and then made his way to Elizabeth’s office, knocking before stepping in.</p>
<p>“Ma’am? A moment?”</p>
<p>“What is it, Jay?”</p>
<p>He turned, shutting the door before facing her. “I thought you should know, Nadine’s asleep in her office. I found her slumped in her chair, out cold, so I helped her move.”</p>
<p>She looked worried. “She started treatment last night.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>“Exhaustion is a common side effect.”</p>
<p>“I guessed.” He took a step forward. “Look, Ma’am, I will take on anything she can’t do. And I know that will change all the time.”</p>
<p>“But it doesn’t look very good for my Chief of Staff to be asleep on the job.”</p>
<p>“No one will know. I shut her blinds and I’ll shut the ones between mine and Matt’s offices. I’ll keep an eye on her. We’ll make it work.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“I will keep an eye on her when she’s in. I think, tired or not, she’d rather be here because both she loves her job and also she’d be all alone sitting at home while the two of you are working.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Jay. I really appreciate it.”</p>
<p>“No thanks needed. You look after her the rest of the time, I can help a friend now and then during the day.”</p>
<p>=</p>
<p>Waking slowly, Nadine tried to reorient herself to where she was. She couldn’t remember lying down on her couch, but that’s where she found herself now. Sitting carefully, she checked her watch and then looked around. Her office was completely closed off, the blinds all shut for privacy. It seemed like an odd thing for her to remember to do.</p>
<p>Standing carefully, she made to toss the blanket haphazardly over the back of the couch and realized, not all the blinds were shut after all. The one that separated herself and Jay was open, though the one at the other end of his office was closed.</p>
<p>Rounding the couch, she opted to tap the glass between them to get his attention instead of walking all the way there. She still wasn’t entirely sure where her shoes had gone and it simply wouldn’t do to be seen walking around barefoot.</p>
<p>A minute later, Jay let himself in. “How do you feel now?”</p>
<p>“Wiped out. Any idea how long I was out for?”</p>
<p>“Four hours or so.”</p>
<p>“What?!” It horrified her.</p>
<p>“I took care of everything that was on your schedule. It’s fine.”</p>
<p>She was already shaking her head. “It’s not fine.”</p>
<p>“I told Elizabeth and she agreed that I’ll pick up whatever you can’t do. We’ll be a team.”</p>
<p>An argument was almost out when she spotted something stuck to her office door. “What’s that?”</p>
<p>Jay turned for a brief moment. “A sign, I’m going to type one out and make it look a lot nicer.”</p>
<p>“Saying?” She brushed past him to reach for the door.</p>
<p>“Not to disturb you and if anyone has a question, to come to me first.”</p>
<p>That he’d done something so presumptive angered her. “That wasn’t your place to do that. I am fine and I have a job to do, I do not appreciate you doing things like this.” She pulled the door open enough to rip down the sheet of paper. “And don’t do my work for me, Jay. I am perfectly fine to get through it on my own.” Her eyes burned at him.</p>
<p>“Nadine-”</p>
<p>“Get out.”</p>
<p>Making one last attempt, he tried to reason. “But Elizabeth said-”</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare call her by her first name! And don’t you dare try to get her to help you strong arm me into being out of a job! I will not stand for it!” She watched as he raised his hands in surrender and slowly backed away in silence. Once he was gone, she realized her hands were shaking with the rage she felt.</p>
<p>Sitting at her desk again, Nadine stared at her computer. Slowly, she realized she owed him an apology. He didn’t deserve to be shouted at like that, he’d done nothing wrong. She just felt so out of control, not even knowing she’d lost half a workday to exhaustion.</p>
<p>Determined to make up for lost time, she dug into emails first. She could deal with Jay later.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elizabeth’s hand was rubbing her back in slow circles. “It’s almost time for your next dose, Baby.”</p><p>Nadine curled against her palm, arching her back. “I don’t want it.”</p><p>It’d been two weeks so far of hell. Even with taking her cocktail of drugs in the evenings, she still spent every day exhausted, nauseous, and weak. She was still as determined as ever to go to the office every single day, though she was accepting that she would have to rely more and more on Jay and Elizabeth to get through it. She still hadn’t admitted what was going on to the rest of them, but at the way things were progressing, it was only a matter of time before she’d have to be honest.</p><p>“Once you take it we can go soak in the tub if you want.” Under her hand, she could feel the bumps of Nadine’s spine and ribs. “We’ll find something for you to eat.”</p><p>“I’m not hungry.”</p><p>“I know, but you need to eat anyway. Have to keep your strength up.”</p><p>Nadine rocked in place. This wasn’t what she wanted, living this way. “I want to stop.” Four words she said almost every day.</p><p>“It’s only two more weeks, Baby, and then you can stop for two.”</p><p>“And then I have to start all over again.”</p><p>Elizabeth changed positions, curling herself around Nadine’s side. “It isn’t forever. Life will go back to normal again.” Pain was obvious in her voice.</p><p>Nadine didn’t want to see her hurting. She didn’t want to see any of them hurting, she turned so they were face to face. “Okay. I’m ready.”</p><p>“It’s helping you. I promise.” She kissed her forehead before slipping downstairs to carefully transfer the powerful medications into a safe container. It made more sense for the drugs to be in the bedroom, but Nadine had become distraught the first time she’d witnessed her wearing disposable gloves to handle them. It’d been a harsh light shining on just what it was Nadine was having to put into her body.</p><p>Once she’d washed the pills down, Nadine scooted to the edge of the bed. “I think I would like a bath.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll draw us one.”</p><p>She reached for Elizabeth’s wrist. “Just- just me. I’d like to be alone.”</p><p>“O- of course. Whatever you want.” She turned to the bathroom and began filling the tub, adding the scented bubble bath Nadine had taken to recently so the room filled with the aroma. It pained her to watch the woman she loved struggle every day to dress in clothes that had begun to hang off her frame and then force herself to go to a job that left her physically and mentally drained by lunch. She wanted nothing more than for Nadine to stay at home, at least until the round of chemo was over, but she didn’t dare bring it up. Since chemo had started, Nadine randomly could become very, viciously, angry.</p><p>Once the tub was filled, Elizabeth turned back to help Nadine walk to the bathroom. It wasn’t that she couldn’t, but Elizabeth worried that one fall would make everything worse. “Do you want me to stay up here with you?”</p><p>Nadine shook her head. “I’m okay for a bit. You should go down and eat dinner.”</p><p>“You need to eat too.”</p><p>“I’m not hungry.”</p><p>As she stripped naked, Elizabeth couldn’t help but notice how thin she was getting. “You’re losing weight. We need you to eat.”</p><p>“What’s it matter?” She muttered to herself.</p><p>“I’m going to hug you.” Elizabeth slowly wrapped her tight, holding her to her chest. “It matters because you’re going to beat this and to do that, you need your strength.”</p><p>Nadine held her tight. She was just so tired and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed for days, but she couldn’t. She had to keep moving forward.</p><p>In the tub, she listened to the sounds of the rest of the family going about their evening. A part of her mind pointed out that she probably didn’t have too many more evenings of enjoying them left, but she didn’t want to listen to it. There was a soft tap on the bathroom door before Alison peeked in, a plate and something else in her hands which she put on the counter.</p><p>“How are you doing?”</p><p>She put on a brave smile. “I’m doing okay.”</p><p>“Mom said you weren’t eating. You need to eat.”</p><p>Nadine sighed. “I’m not hungry, Sweetie.” She could see Ali desperately was trying to understand. “The drugs make me nauseous and have taken away my appetite.”</p><p>“I-” Alison glanced at the stuff she’d carried in. “I might have something that could help?”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“You- you can’t tell Mom. I mean, if it works, then that’s fine, but if you don’t want it… you can’t tell her.”</p><p>She reached for Ali’s hand. “Okay, I promise.”</p><p>Alison moved away from the tub and picked up the small box, tugging the lid off before holding it where Nadine could see. “I’ve- I’ve heard it helps.” She shifted nervously. “I could roll you one and open the window.”</p><p>Nadine stared at Alison’s kit and then up at her. She wasn’t upset Ali had it, it had crossed her mind recently that it might help. “I can try.” The look alone on Ali’s face was worth it whether it helped or not.</p><p>Determined now, Ali put the box down and set to work rolling one. Once it was ready, she pushed the window over the tub open for ventilation before lighting up and then passing it to Nadine. “Take it slow.”</p><p>Nadine couldn’t help the partial smirk despite her overall misery. “It’s far from my first joint.” She inhaled carefully though, it still had been a long time, and let it sit in her lungs before blowing it out in a stream. “You might want to close up that box before your dad sees it.”</p><p>“Right.” Ali tucked everything away. “I hope it helps.”</p><p>“I do too.” She watched as Ali slipped away to hide the box back wherever she kept it and settled into the tub, enjoying as all the benefits seeped slowly into her body.</p><p>Henry’s heavy steps warned her he was on his way in, probably following the distinct smell, before he came into view. “That <em>is</em> what I was smelling then.” He frowned slightly. “Where did you get that?”</p><p>Nadine shrugged. She wasn’t about to out Alison and she was starting to feel a bit better, at least for the time being.</p><p>He sighed, sitting on the step by the tub. “Is it helping?”</p><p>“It is, actually.” She smiled and this time it felt real. The first real one in weeks.</p><p>“I was thinking we could do something as a family this weekend.” He shifted the subject away easily. “We haven’t really been to the Natural History Museum.”</p><p>“Henry…”</p><p>He turned, meeting her gaze. “Positive memories, right?”</p><p>“But I… I can barely drag myself from my office to Elizabeth’s by lunch. I’ll never make it around any part of that museum and back out again.” She hated to admit it, but at least while she was taking these horrid drugs, walking that far was going to be out of the question.</p><p>“So… we’ll get you a wheelchair.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Nadine-”</p><p>“It’s not up for debate.” She wasn’t about to be pushed around like some old lady, watching as her family enjoyed themselves. She sat up in the tub, working on the joint between her fingers a bit more. “Could you be not mad at me for just long enough to do me a favor?”</p><p>“Yeah, sure, of course.”</p><p>“Hand me whatever Ali brought up on that plate.” At his surprise, she ducked her head a bit. “I can’t make any promises I’ll eat much, but I should be able to choke down a few bites.”</p><p>He brought the plate holding a sandwich to her. “Alison, huh?”</p><p>“I am saying nothing.”</p><p>Henry seemed to debate for a second before answering. “I won’t say a word to her under one condition.”</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“The museum. In a year or two I want to be able to look back and remember how we at least tried to be together getting you through this. I don’t want to always remember this time as you sequestered away while the world moved on without you.”</p><p>“It will eventually.”</p><p>Henry nearly broke at that. “You’ll get better.”</p><p>“I don’t want to live this way. I want <em>me</em> back, for as long as I have left.”</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It often hit without warning, making her freeze wherever she was. This morning, she was standing in the kitchen while everyone made breakfast. The hot feeling flushed across her skin and she gripped hard on the counter just in case she became lightheaded.</p><p>Stevie had been the closest and noticed her distress instantly, gripping one arm and resting her other hand again her back. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>Nadine shook her head. “Give me a minute.”</p><p>“Okay.” She didn’t pull away, however.</p><p>When the feeling finally passed, Nadine let out the breath she’d been holding and looked up at her. “I’m okay.”</p><p>“You’re not.” Stevie’s voice was gentle. “It’s okay to not be okay, Nadine.” She took in the suit Nadine was wearing, ready to head to the office. “Why don’t you stay home today? I’ll stay too so you’re not alone.”</p><p>She patted Stevie’s hand and began to turn away. “Not today, but thank you. I have things I have to get done and you can’t be missing too much either.”</p><p>“Nadine…”</p><p>She refused to get angry with any of the kids. She did her best to not even get angry around the kids, but that was becoming more and more difficult. “Life as usual, Stevie. I don’t want this to change anything at all. Yes, I don’t feel all that great, but I’ve never let not feeling well interrupt my work in the past and I’m not about to let it now.”</p><p>“What’s going on?” Elizabeth appeared, dressed finally, in search of her coffee.</p><p>“Nadine was feeling sick and I suggested staying home.” Stevie jumped in to answer first.</p><p>“Well, Sweetie, she’s an adult and is perfectly within her rights to make that call without you bothering her about it-”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“-Even if I agree with you.” She wrapped an arm easily around Nadine’s waist and held her close. “Motorcade is four minutes out. Did you eat some breakfast?”</p><p>“A bit.”</p><p>“She had two bites.” Stevie frowned.</p><p>“If I’m within my rights to make my own decisions, does that mean you’ll support me stopping and letting me go back to my life?”</p><p>Elizabeth’s first response was to tighten her hold. “Nay…”</p><p>Her eyes closed as she held her as well. “Please?”</p><p>Before she could form a response, her phone rang. “That’ll be Blake.”</p><p>“OF course.” Nadine pulled away, moving toward the door to gather her things. It wasn’t like that conversation was going to end any differently this time anyway.</p><p>=</p><p>The room felt suddenly too hot and she felt herself sway. They were all lined up for a photo op at the White House. Nadine took a slow breath, determined to will what was coming away.</p><p>At her side, Jay leaned in to address her without drawing the attention of the dozen or so reporters watching them. “What’s wrong?”</p><p> “I’m fine.” She cleared her throat as she felt herself flush further.</p><p>“You’re not. You’re either about to pass out on me or throw up.”</p><p>She pressed her lips together. “Or both.” Thus far the cocktail hadn’t made her physically ill, but it was the last day before a two week break and everything had been getting more and more intense.</p><p>His hand slipped around her back. “Let’s go.” He began shepherding her out a side door and down a hall. “Breathe for me.”</p><p>“I’m trying.” Spots started to dance at the edges of her vision and she reached out blindly for his arm. “I’m going to pass out.”</p><p>“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” He wrapped his arms around her waist as she began to stumble. When she went limp, he looked around for a place to sit, but there were only a few sparse chairs along the wide hallway. Bending, he scooped her up and carried her through the halls to the Oval. It was the one place he knew they wouldn’t be disturbed, at least for a while yet. “Here we go.”</p><p>Lucy followed them in. “Is she okay? Do I need to call the doctor?”</p><p>“She’ll be fine, she just needs a minute. Could you find a glass of water and a damp cloth of some kind though?”</p><p>“Right away.”</p><p>When Lucy returned, Jay began to blot the cool cloth against Nadine’s skin. “It’s nothing.” He glanced up at the president’s receptionist. “Is there a small trashcan or something just in case?”</p><p>“Yes, there is.”</p><p>He was thankful she was as reliable and as discrete as Blake. “Do you think you could do me one favor?”</p><p>Lucy nodded.</p><p>“Could you go back over to the signing and very quietly tell the Secretary that Nadine and I are in here. Do not tell her anything else. Especially do not tell her I was carrying her… And then please make sure no one enters except the Secretary?”</p><p>“I’ll take care of it.” She slipped out, pulling the door closed.</p><p>“Come on, Nadine.” He kept his voice gentle. “You’re okay.”</p><p>Slowly, she came around. When she tried to sit up, he kept her in place with a hand to her shoulder. “Jay…”</p><p>“You passed out, just take it easy.”</p><p>“…Where?”</p><p>“We’re at the White House.”</p><p>She groaned and then started to panic. “That signing. I passed out at the signing?”</p><p>“No. No, I realized you weren’t well and we stepped out. You warned me before you dropped.”</p><p>Her eyes drifted shut. “Thank you.”</p><p>“I’ve always got your back.” He stayed sitting on the edge of the couch until the door opened fifteen minutes later and Elizabeth appeared.</p><p>“How is she?” She whispered, squatting in front of the couch and reaching out a hand. “All Lucy said was the two of you were in here.”</p><p>“She, uh, she felt sick and once we stepped out, she collapsed. I think she just needed a minute.” He watched the way his boss didn’t hesitate to press a kiss into Nadine’s hair. “I think we were standing too long.”</p><p>Elizabeth nodded. “Maybe. We’ll- we’ll get her a chair in the future so she can sit through it.”</p><p>His brows shot up. “You think she’ll go for that?”</p><p>She shook her head. “No.” Gently, she tried to wake Nadine. “Come on, Baby. We need to leave now.” She turned to Jay. “I might need your help.”</p><p>“Whatever you need.”</p><p>Standing, Elizabeth motioned for Jay to follow her to the other side of the room. “Henry and I worry that each round is only going to get worse. Right now she’s just so tired, what’s next?”</p><p>“She won’t give up working without a fight.”</p><p>“I know… When I bring up cutting back on anything, she defaults to not wanting the chemo. She has made it clear that this isn’t what she wants. She doesn’t want to be too sick to work or go on with her life.”</p><p>He nodded. “She’s made comments to me as well.” When he looked from Nadine back to his boss, she was teary-eyed.</p><p>“I think… she’s going through hell because we don’t want to let go.”</p><p>“She’s afraid.” It felt odd having this conversation, but he was thankful. “I know it’s not my place, but I think she needs to tell the others. If she wants to keep on working, she’s going to need all of us.”</p><p>“I don’t know how to get through to her.” She went quiet for a minute before drawing a breath. “Let’s get her back to the motorcade and back to the office.” She crossed and knelt again, rousing Nadine enough to get her on her feet before turning to him. “Jay?”</p><p>He traded Elizabeth places and helped Nadine walk to the SUV. With every step he could feel how much she was forcing herself to keep moving forward.</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had taken coaxing, tears, and a bit of anger, but eventually Nadine agreed that the others needed to be read in on what was going on. They’d been in the dark over a month already.</p><p>She waited until she was into her first break week and felt a bit better. Sitting on the couch in Elizabeth’s office, Nadine waited between Elizabeth and Jay. The entire senior staff knew of her relationship, so in here, behind closed doors, she could hold her hand.</p><p>Seeming to sense something was amiss, Matt and Daisy sat across from them while Blake slowly paced in back.</p><p>Nadine squeezed Elizabeth’s hand. “I need to come clean with the three of you about something.” She looked to the side, seeking reassurance before going on. “About two months ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s… I don’t really want to weigh you down with all the details, but… for the past month I had been undergoing chemotherapy. I- I didn’t want any of you to know, but I’m realizing now that I’m going to need all of you in order to keep working.”</p><p>“You’re not taking time off?” Daisy asked.</p><p>“I don’t want this to take away everything in my life that I enjoy.” She swallowed. “I’ll give up the treatments before I do that.” Her eyes dropped to her lap. “I’m not all that fond of doing them anyway.”</p><p>Matt’s concern was palpable. “What’s next?”</p><p>That, she could answer. “I get a break from the drugs this week and next and then I start again. My doctor wants me to do three rounds before surgery.” She could see in his eyes what his next question was going to be. “If all goes well and I finish everything, I might get five years or more. If I- If I stop…” Elizabeth’s hand squeezed hers. “If I stop, then I have six months to a year.”</p><p>“Why would you stop?” Blake’s voice was so soft they almost didn’t hear him.</p><p>When Nadine looked up, she could see the heartbreak. “Because I don’t want to spend the time I have left like I did last week, passing out at an event. Or how I did a couple weekends ago, too fatigued to walk and ending up pushed in a wheelchair around a museum to be with my family.” Jay’s hand on her back cut her off.</p><p>When she looked over her shoulder at him, all she saw was quiet support.</p><p>“I don’t know what the next round is going to do to me, but I want to keep working.” She chewed her lip a moment. “I will need your help.”</p><p>=</p><p>It had taken a few days, but Nadine found some of her energy and her appetite was coming back. She didn’t nap as long in the afternoons and could almost rush around the seventh floor just like before. It was just enough of a reprieve to have her smiling again.</p><p>The staff seemed to sense the change and by the end of that first week, they were seated together in the conference room enjoying lunch and generally catching up. At the far end of the table, Jay and Matt began discussing the upcoming annual Brussels conference and for once, she let herself simply enjoy their comradery and excitement.</p><p>“Are you… coming with us?” Daisy asked softly, a smile on her face.</p><p>Nadine turned to her a moment. “No.” She shook her head. “I can’t travel, especially internationally. It’d be too risky.”</p><p>“Oh.” Her smile fell away. “Well, we’ll miss you.”</p><p>She chuckled. “No you won’t. You’ll all have much more fun without me there telling you to be good.”</p><p>As she spoke, she’d drawn the guys’ attention. Matt seemed to put it together first. “You really can’t go?”</p><p>“Not while- Not while I’m undergoing chemo. No. But you’ll all be just fine. I’ll check in regularly and remind you to be good as always and it’ll be almost the same.”</p><p>“But it-”</p><p>“Matt.” Daisy whispered, cutting him off with a shake of her head.</p><p>“It’s okay.” She started to reassure. “Well, no, it’s not. I would rather be with you on that trip than…” She cut herself off. Mentally, she was dreading the countdown to starting the next round, she’d had doctor’s visits to have bloodwork done and all of it was just getting to her. She didn’t want to be left behind, to once again feel too weak and tired to do anything.</p><p>Around her, the others exchanged worried looks but said nothing.</p><p>Brussels was in two weeks, the first week of her next cycle. A thought ran through her mind- what would one week harm in the big scheme of things? Licking her lips, she stood and gathered the remains of her lunch. “You know what? I am going. I don’t know how many more trips I’ll get to take and I would rather sit and watch all of you have a good time than sit at home and wait for the end.”</p><p>“Nadine, no.” Elizabeth started to insist, but she was already on the move back to her own office and away from all of them. It didn’t take long for Elizabeth to rush in, pushing the door shut. “You’re not ending chemo.”</p><p>“I’m only delaying it a week. I’ll call Doctor Plattner and explain to her that I have to take this trip. When I get back, I’ll start the pills.” She rearranged things on her desk to avoid looking up. “It’ll be fine.”</p><p>“You can’t do this.” Her voice dropped. “You can’t just… give up!”</p><p>“I’m not giving up!” She snapped it. “I’m making a choice to live. For just a few days, Elizabeth. It’s Brussels. It’s three nights. We come back, I start those drugs and go right back to barely living again.”</p><p>“I can’t approve this. I- I can’t sign off on you going.”</p><p>She straightened her spine and leveled a glare she’d never used on Elizabeth before. “I don’t need you to sign off.”</p><p>“Henry won’t allow it.”</p><p>“I don’t need his permission.”</p><p>Elizabeth was at a loss. “Nadine… What about… What happens if you pass out or- or get sick? You still have a compromised immune system. You could still have so many things go wrong!” She sucked in a breath. “How would I explain it to the kids if you died over there or on the flight? How will they go on knowing forever that they weren’t enough to get you to stay?”</p><p>Nadine froze. She wanted to call her out for playing the kids card, but it worked. It landed exactly how Elizabeth had intended. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she didn’t want the kids to hurt unnecessarily.</p><p>“Please, Nadine. Stay home.” She was begging now. “If you want, we’ll all go out and do something as a team. We’ll go bar hopping or, I don’t know, drag Blake to that karaoke place he hates so much.” She tried to get a smile out of her. “We can all go play mini golf.”</p><p>“You’re not allowed at the mini golf place.” She managed it with a straight face.</p><p>“You’re right, I’m not.” Carefully, she crossed the room and reached for Nadine’s hands. “But we can all go out and do something. Something you can be included in even if you’ve started the next round of chemo. We’ll make it work.” She dipped her head to look Nadine in the eye. “Okay?”</p><p>After two minutes, she nodded. “Okay.”</p><p>She leaned in and kissed her. “Come back to the other room with me? You had everyone pretty upset that you were going to stop your treatment to make the trip. I think you need to reassure them that it was a moment of… frustration? Fear? Anger? Also, Blake and Jay were in a deep discussion when I chased you out, so there’s a good chance we’re both screwed now. They’re going to start working together to micromanage us.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Elizabeth laughed. “We’ll manage. Of course, once they both start talking to Henry, then we’ll really be in trouble.”</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the first time since her diagnosis that Nadine had been on her own at work. Or at least, on her own in the sense of the people she trusted most. Everyone else was in Belgium and she was here, closed into her office as waves of nausea unlike anything that had hit her before washed over her.</p><p>Doctor Plattner had warned her that the side effects would likely get worse as time went on, she’d just held out hope that she’d be one of the lucky ones. Now, she was alone and didn’t know what to do. The bathroom was too far to walk to in her steadily worsening condition and she knew it, but any minute she was going to be revisiting the coffee and eggs that had made up her breakfast.</p><p>Carefully, she used her desk for balance and managed the short distance to her couch, using her foot to kick the trash bin along as she moved. Curled up clinging to a pillow, she prayed for some way to make it all stop.</p><p>Her phone rang and she checked the screen before answering it. “Hey.” Just hearing Elizabeth’s voice would hopefully help.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m lying down. I just got this overwhelming sick feeling and had to take a break.”</p><p>“Have you been?”</p><p>“No… Not yet but it just-” She started to cry. “I’m afraid to move and I’m- I’m all alone.”</p><p>“I know you are, Baby.” There were voices further away and then she heard Elizabeth tell someone she’d be right back. “Listen, we’re done for the day, so if you want me to stay on the phone for a while until you feel a bit better, I can do that.”</p><p>“I wish you were here.”</p><p>“I wish I was there too.”</p><p>Nadine choked back a gag. “I’m going to be sick, Liz. I’ll- I’ll…”</p><p>“Call me back.”</p><p>It felt like half an hour passed before Nadine was able to dial Elizabeth’s phone again. She was surprised when it was Jay, with Blake in the distance, who answered.</p><p>“She’s on the phone trying to reach Henry.” Jay answered her unasked question. His voice was gentle and soothing. “I think she’s trying to get him to come pick you up.”</p><p>“If Henry can’t get away fast enough, we’re calling Carol.” Blake added in the background. “She’s… You would think when the Secretary of State calls for someone, it would be easier to actually get that person.”</p><p>“Are you in your office?” When she hummed to the affirmative, he asked more. “Are you safe? On your couch or somewhere where you won’t fall?”</p><p>“I’m lying on my couch, yes.”</p><p>“Good. Don’t move. She’s off the phone.”</p><p>“She’s frowning though.” Blake observed. “Ma’am?” His voice moved away though Nadine could just make out as he connected a call of his own and began talking to who she assumed was Carol.</p><p>“Blake’s doing an elevator pitch on what’s going on.” Jay supplied. “I’m getting a thumbs up. Elizabeth will keep trying Henry, but Carol is on her way in the meantime.”</p><p>“Ten minutes.” Blake announced before his voice faded away again.</p><p>“Did you hear that, Nadine?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Okay. I’m going to trade phones with Elizabeth and keep trying to shake Henry loose. Take deep breaths and just stay where you are.”</p><p>“Thank you. Tell Blake thank you too.”</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>A second later it was Elizabeth’s voice in her ear. “You won’t be alone in a few minutes, Baby. I’ll stay right here with you until Carol gets there.”</p><p>=</p><p>Nadine hadn’t even realized she’d succumbed to sleep until a hand was shaking her awake. She recognized Russell’s wife instantly and attempted a smile to greet her.</p><p>“Russell never told me.”</p><p>“He doesn’t know. I didn’t want anyone to know.” Cautiously, she pushed to a sitting position. “Outside of Jay, no one on the senior staff knew until I was done with the first cycle.”</p><p>Carol sat beside her. “So, what’s bothering you the most right now? Maybe I can help you out a little bit.”</p><p>“I doubt it. Up to now the biggest side effects have been being tired constantly and not wanting to eat.” She waved to the bin. “This is new. I mean, I’ve felt ill plenty, but it hasn’t hit me like this until today.”</p><p>“Do you think you’re good to ride home?”</p><p>She thought about that a second, doing an internal assessment. “I think maybe. I feel better than I did earlier.” Her eyes were already raking around the room. “Maybe I should just-”</p><p>Carol’s hand landing on her arm cut her off. “You need to go home and rest. Start fresh tomorrow. Doctor’s orders.”</p><p>Nadine thought the chuckle that followed felt pretty good. “Okay.”</p><p>Standing up, Carol watched as Nadine stiffly stood as well. “I am all yours until Henry gets home, whether that’s ten minutes or a few hours, so you might as well make use of having a doctor around to help you. Now, what needs to go home? My opinion is you shouldn’t just sit and work but I figure you are at least half as determined as Russell, so I won’t fight you on it.” She smiled. “I’ll leave that for Henry.”</p><p>She pointed out a stack of files and watched as Carol loaded it into her bag, hefting it to her own shoulder before searching for her handbag. “It’s in the bottom drawer.”</p><p>“I’ve got it.” She pushed the bin close to the door so the cleaners could deal with it later and tucked a hand gently under Nadine’s arm. “You say how fast and if we need to stop. That applies to the walking and in the car.” Together, they made the trek to the elevator.</p><p>Once they were in Carol’s SUV, she handed Nadine a hard candy. “What’s this?”</p><p>“Ginger. It helps with the nausea. The drugs most of my patients are on causes it too and this is a big help. I carry them on me most of the time because of it.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“When you get home, you should call and ask for something to help ease it.” The drive was quiet for a bit before Carol spoke up again, this time with a grin. “So, you and I rarely get to talk. Just how panicked do you think Russell is going to be when I tell him I spent my afternoon with you?”</p><p>=</p><p>“I don’t want to quit my job.” She was in bed, curled into Henry’s arms.</p><p>He drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know.”</p><p>“I- I won’t do it. If I can’t work and be out living my life, then it’s not worth it.”</p><p>“Nadine…” He didn’t want to start arguing tonight. “One day at a time.” He swallowed. “But I do wish you wouldn’t go in until the others get back. It’s only two days.” He rolled her carefully onto her back. “I know this is all terrifying for you, but maybe I could take your mind off it for just a little bit?” Gently, he rearranged himself so he was hovering over her, weight on his arms. “We haven’t taken the time to do something for you since this all started.”</p><p>“I haven’t been much in the mood.”</p><p>“I know.” He leaned down, carefully kissing her, taking it slow until one of her hands threaded into his hair. He felt himself begin to harden. He’d never not been attracted to Nadine, both physically and in personality. She’d always proven to be fun and a bit mischievous in bed, but now instead of trying to arouse her, he let her lead.</p><p>They simply made out for a long while before Nadine broke away, eyes staring up at him. “I’m not going to break.”</p><p>“I don’t want to hurt you.”</p><p>“You won’t. I promise.” She cupped his cheek. “Undress, Henry.”</p><p>He pulled away to do as she asked, watching her watch as he stripped down. He was hard now and his cock bounced free as his boxers were tossed out of the way. Once he was done, he stripped her next. “I’ll keep you warm, don’t worry.”</p><p>His fingers touched her folds and she stopped him. “I’m not…”</p><p>Henry nodded, pulling away long enough to dig in his side table for one of the bottles of lube, pouring some into his hand before tossing it aside. He’d want more in a bit. “Just relax and breathe. Tell me if it doesn’t feel good.” He pressed his coated fingers into her, pushing as much lube in as he could before using his thumb to circle her clit. The entire time two fingers teased in and out, he watched her face.</p><p>He took his time. In the past, Nadine had been very responsive to the smallest touch. He didn’t know if it was fear or the drugs or something else, but he was determined to keep going until she found some pleasure in this, he didn’t care how long it took.</p><p>When the first little ripple of arousal teased at her veins, she gasped in surprise. “Henry…”</p><p>“Close your eyes, Baby, don’t think. Just feel.”</p><p>The hum lasted ages, building slowly until it started to feel how she remembered. Until her body wanted to move and writhe again. “Hen- Henry.” She panted, reaching for something to hold onto. “Please…”</p><p>“I promise, you’ll get there.” His arm was aching, but he wasn’t about to stop just yet. “Baby. Would you like me to fuck you?”</p><p>Her eyes cracked open. “Please.” When his fingers pulled out, she whined, listening as he popped the cap on the lube and slicked himself up generously.</p><p>“Tell me if it’s too much.” Slowly, he guided himself into her, pausing enough times to allow her to adjust to him. He didn’t want to hurt her, he wanted this to feel amazing for her.</p><p>“It’s perfect.”</p><p>When she finally came, it was with tears running into her hair. And when Henry pulled her into his chest again, she thought she heard herself whisper how much she loved him.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The phone in her pocket rang again, and again, she ignored it. Hot tears burned her eyes and her muscles screamed at how far she’d already walked. Three months ago, it would have been nothing.</p><p>Everyone had been helping her in the weeks since their Brussels trip. She rarely had to leave her office. Blake had taken on checking she always had enough to eat and drink just like he did his boss and they all stopped in regularly in case she needed something run somewhere. Normally, she was fine for the morning staff meetings which they still did in the conference room and then more and more often afternoon meetings were either in her office or in Elizabeth’s where she could take advantage of the sofa if needed. They’d really been rallying around her and for that she’d been grateful.</p><p>The side effects, however, had persisted.</p><p>The morning meeting had started like every other, with Elizabeth distractedly flitting in and out while Matt and Daisy snipped quietly between them. She had wanted to cut them off and bring some order to things, but hadn’t been able to find the motivation. Perhaps that should have been the first clue something was amiss.</p><p>Jay had taken the lead, working through the agenda and Nadine had thought the worst thing that would happen would be falling asleep in her chair, something that had happened a few times already.</p><p>The real worst thing, the thing she refused to consider, snuck up first as a hot flush over her body. She knew it was a warning that soon she would be ill. Not wanting to draw undue attention, she carefully stood and started around the table. She was free to use the restroom in Elizabeth’s office, she just had to make it there.</p><p>Halfway between the table and the vestibule door, her stomach twisted and she realized she wouldn’t make it that far and turned back, sinking to the floor over the can near Blake’s desk. Behind her, the others had leapt into response. She could remember Jay’s voice shouting into the next room for Elizabeth and the sounds of feet, the feel of hands.</p><p>The attention felt oppressive.</p><p>What she’d done next, she’d done without much thought. She’d stood and excused herself, slipping into Elizabeth’s office to wash up. She was alone and the other door was open. A thought had run through her mind- she could walk through the door. Walk all the way down the hall, past her office, and to the elevator and they wouldn’t even see her.</p><p>She could just walk away from all of it.</p><p>And so she did.</p><p>A woman dressed in business wear walking around DC didn’t turn any heads, she blended in with every other professional rushing around the city. By her count, she’d missed six calls already. No doubt the staff had worked out she was out of the building by now.</p><p>Her path was aimless and indirect. She wasn’t entirely sure why she’d even bolted except she was tired of being a spectacle, tired of being watched and checked on. Cycle number two was about over and things were only going to get worse. The sun was high overhead now, adding to her woozy feeling. Looking around for some clue as to where she’d ended up, she found herself staring up at granite steps.</p><p>People were milling about, taking photos and looking at the water. Nadine headed for the side and carefully walked up almost halfway before sitting down and just staring at the river. She’d be found eventually. A good portion of those working in government around the city, and plenty more in the private sector, knew who she was. Elizabeth and Henry would no doubt call in every connection they had, which was plenty, to search. Truly attempting to hide was pointless, she would be found anyway.</p><p>Her phone rang again and this time she pulled it out to look at the screen. Seven missed calls from the office, no doubt just from Elizabeth. Aside from those, there were text messages as well.</p><p>Three from Daisy-</p><p>
  <em>‘Please just let one of us know you are okay.’<br/>
‘You need to call one of us.’<br/>
‘Text us, even.’</em>
</p><p>Six from Jay-</p><p>
  <em>‘Where did you go?’<br/>
 ‘Security said you left the building. E is going to be upset.’<br/>
‘Why, Nadine?’<br/>
‘She wants to send DS and MPD looking for you.’<br/>
‘Please just tell me you’re okay. I won’t even tell her where you are.’<br/>
‘It’s not as bad as you think it is.’</em>
</p><p>The messages from Blake were like a running narration of what was happening around the office as Jay had shared she’d slipped out of the building and then the ensuing chaos as Elizabeth had wanted to rush to find her. They ran a gamut of emotions she could hear in her head in his voice.</p><p>
  <em>‘You did what now?!’<br/>
‘Where are you?’<br/>
‘We need to know you’re okay.’<br/>
‘Please do not let today end with us finding you in a hospital.’</em>
</p><p>She felt a bit guilty at how much she was no doubt contributing to his rising stress level.</p><p>There was one single message from Matt. Scrolling through, it looked like it had come about the time they’d worked out what she’d done. Just one message, two little words. Somehow it was those two words that made her want to cry the most.</p><p>
  <em>‘I’m here.’</em>
</p><p>No demand to know why or where or that she was okay. No demand to show herself or anything else. No pressure to talk.</p><p>Nadine put her phone on the step and turned to get more comfortable and just watched as tourists wandered up and down the steps. People watching wasn’t something she had much time for ever, but sometimes it was something she liked to do. She liked to guess what lives they might be leading. She had new questions now, ones she’d never asked before. Was someone on this trip because it was to be their last? Was the person smiling really breaking apart inside? Did anyone even notice her sitting alone and do their own wondering?</p><p>The sun had moved even further across the sky, her head was beginning to ache. She tried to stand, but her head swam and she sat down again, reaching for her phone. She could call anyone and they would come get her, but she didn’t want rescued. She didn’t want saved.</p><p>Staring at the dark screen for several more minutes, she woke it up and found Matt’s single message and simply asked if he could get away without causing too many questions.</p><p>He replied almost instantly and she gave him the name of where she was.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She watched in silence as Matt climbed the stairs, hands in his pockets as he took a seat on the step below hers. It was clear he’d made the short trip from the office on foot. He didn’t say anything as they both stared across the Potomac for a bit. Eventually, he turned just enough that his voice would carry her direction. “What happened today?”</p><p>She had no idea how to answer.</p><p>“I know you have your relationship with MSec and the Doc and I know… I know I’m not <em>your guy</em> like Jay is. I’m not really very good at being either of those things for Daisy apparently, but… Would you like me to say what I think happened?” He met her eye and she nodded. “I think… I think you’re scared. I- I know if it was me, I’d be terrified. I think you have really good days where you feel okay enough and we can all pretend life is normal and today it didn’t work that way. I think that was really scary for you.”</p><p>Several minutes passed before he turned sideways to face her fully. “How’d I do?”</p><p>Nadine gave a tiny nod.</p><p>“Believe me, I get wanting to run away. There have been more than a few times in my life where if the opportunity had been so available, I would’ve been gone just as fast. The problem is even if it feels good at the time, it doesn’t change things. You still have to go back… Are you ready to get back?”</p><p>Was she? She’d spent months insisting that she would not give up working under any circumstances, a decision that they’d all supported up to now, but here she’d run away for no real reason. “I- I’m not sure I can walk all the way back.”</p><p>“Not a problem. We’ll walk together. First though, one of us needs to call and tell MSec you’re okay. Blake has been having a hell of a time keeping her from doing something rash.”</p><p>“Could you just- just let her know I’m with you now?”</p><p>“Yeah.” He reached for his phone.</p><p>=</p><p>By the time she and Matt made it back to the seventh floor, Nadine was so tired she could barely keep focused. He bypassed her office, however, and led her straight down to Elizabeth’s, depositing her on the couch before leaving the two of them alone.</p><p>Elizabeth wrapped her in a hug. “I was so worried about you. Please, please don’t go away like that again.”</p><p>“I-” She couldn’t force such a promise out.</p><p>She tipped Nadine’s face up. “I love you and I worry so much about you. If I could make all this go away, I would.”</p><p>Their faces were nearly tucked together now. “Let me stop.”</p><p>“What?” She pulled back.</p><p>“Let me stop.” She knew what Elizabeth would say next, it was the same thing she said almost every day. “If- if the doctor says it’s not working… Let me stop.”</p><p>“But it is working, Baby. I just know it is.”</p><p>“I think you’re wrong. I- I-” She stuttered a moment and tried to regulate her own breathing. “I think when I have the next set of scans, the doctor won’t have good news.”</p><p>“You can’t think that way-”</p><p>“<em>Please</em>, Elizabeth. Tell me I can? Tell me that if it’s not working, I can live what’s left on my own terms.” A tear broke free. “Today was… I can’t keep doing that. I can’t be a spectacle. I can’t keep missing meetings and trips. I have spent my whole life living on my terms, I don’t want to end it on someone else’s.”</p><p>For several minutes, Elizabeth simply stared at her. She wanted to keep talking until she convinced her she would get through this, but they’d had that argument before. “We need to discuss it with Henry. We- we all need to be on the same page.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“You look tired, how about you lay down and rest?”</p><p>“I don’t want to.”</p><p>“That may be, but I don’t want you hurt either. Jay has everything under control and I have a bit before the next thing on my agenda, so I can sit here with you. Come on, let’s get you comfortable.” As she helped Nadine adjust on the couch, Elizabeth really looked at her for the first time in a long time. The woman she’d fallen in love with so rarely made an appearance anymore. It broke her heart.</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“No!” His answer reverberated around the room.</p><p>Tears streamed down her face. She was sitting on their bed alone. Elizabeth was in the chair in the corner and Henry was angrily pacing. “Henry…”</p><p>“No, Nadine! You can’t just give up like that! I- I won’t allow it!”</p><p>Anger flashed white-hot in her veins. “You won’t <em>allow it</em>?! I don’t believe you get a say in the matter!”</p><p>“You were the one asking!”</p><p>“Not for permission! I was asking for-” She had no idea what she was asking for. Approval? Absolution? Before she could find the right word, Jason was hovering in the doorway.</p><p>“We’re talking, Jase.” Henry started to send him away.</p><p>“You want to die?” Jason was looking right at her.</p><p>“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to die. I want to get to see you fall in love, get married, have your own family. You and your sisters. But I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want your last memories of me to be of me so sick and weak.”</p><p>“I don’t want to have last memories of you. I want to always be making new memories.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>He opened and closed his mouth several times. “Please… Don’t stop.” He swallowed. “We’ll spend every weekend on adventures. We’ll take lots of pictures. We’ll all pitch in so there are no chores to do and we’ll help out with everything! Just-”</p><p>The room was still for a moment and then she opened her arms. “Come here.” Jason nearly dove onto the bed, letting her hold him close to her chest. She rearranged them until they were laying back. She would do anything to keep the kids from hurting, even if it was something she didn’t really want. “Okay. I won’t stop. I won’t mention it again. I’ll do everything the doctor wants me to do.”</p><p>Against her, Jason nodded. Nadine looked up at Henry and then to Elizabeth and decided, she wouldn’t make this any harder for any of them than it needed to be. She would make the effort to take part in whatever it was they were wanting to plan from here on out.</p><p>“I won’t stop.”</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Just do it. Don’t complain.</em> They had become a mantra that played on loop in her mind. They played when she took the growing cocktail of drugs that were to both kill off the cancer and treat the myriad of side effects. They played each time someone suggested she should cut back, let someone else handle it, or take a break. Those words played when a family outing found her riding in a wheelchair or when a work event left her sitting the entire time off to the side.</p><p>Slowly, she got a handle on the urge to fight back and defend her independence.</p><p>For her troubles, the kids did everything they could think of to try and make her life easier, leaving nothing for her to do on her own. Sure, they smiled and spent extra time with her, telling her about their day, but it made her feel like an invalid to sit and watch them do things like cook meals without her.</p><p>At the office it was almost as bad. As she’d stopped fighting back, they’d all gotten bolder in their insistence on what they thought she shouldn’t be doing. As her second cycle ended and the third began, she was reduced to half days where she almost never left her desk, Jay handled everything else.</p><p>She felt useless. She felt like she was being humored. It was exactly what she didn’t want.</p><p>
  <em>Just do it. Don’t complain.</em>
</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey.” Alison softly spoke as she sank onto the couch in the den beside Nadine. It was where she spent a majority of her time now, wrapped in blankets. “I thought you might like to see my new sketches?” Ali opened the large pad between their laps. She didn’t even seem to notice that Nadine hadn’t responded.</p><p>“I’ve been working on designs that are pants. I think that’s what the trend is going toward for next season, you know? But not neutral colors. Fitted styles are still what’s in, but vibrant patterns and things against a plain top. The pants get to be the feature wardrobe item.” She flipped the pages slowly.</p><p>Half an hour of Alison talking passed before Henry softly called her from the kitchen to come give him a hand. Nadine barely registered her getting up and didn’t take notice at all of the book she left behind.</p><p>Her mantra kept playing in her mind. This was what they all wanted. They wanted her here with them. She listened as Henry told one of his jokes and Alison groaned at his bad humor. Ali launched into a story about one of her friends until Jason clomped in, teasing his sister before asking for money for a school trip. They carried on through the whole making of dinner while she sat forgotten in the den.</p><p>A tear dripped down her face. They would be able to move on without her, they barely noticed her now. She’d already been shuffled out of their minds.</p><p>So lost in her own internal misery, Nadine missed Stevie’s voice joining the others until she was leaned over the back of the couch, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek before moving away without a word. For a spilt second, she’d thought that maybe they hadn’t all forgotten her after all, but just as fast, it all crashed down again.</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From her desk, Nadine watched through the windows into everyone else’s offices. Jay was hard at work hunched over something, Matt looked to be writing the next speech, and Daisy was on the phone as she paced. In the angle of their blinds, she made out as Blake rushed up the hall and then saw as he appeared in Jay’s office, his voice distorted through the glass.</p><p>They were all busy, the whole floor was a hive of activity… Except for her. She’d been reduced to tasks she could to at her desk, but then she’d gotten so far out of the loop on things that it made more sense for Jay to handle the corresponding emails and phone calls. She’d been proofreading Matt and Daisy’s for a while until she inexplicably had started missing errors, leaving Elizabeth to simply proofread everything herself.</p><p>Blake rushed out of Jay’s office, Jay on his heels, and then ducked quickly in for a word to Matt and then Daisy as he worked his way back up the hall. They all rushed off, clearing there was a crisis happening somewhere… But no one said a word to her. They didn’t need her.</p><p>Slowly, Nadine stood from her chair and made the long walk up the hall with one hand on the wall the entire way. In the doorway to the waiting area, she listened to see where everyone had gone and then carefully crossed to open Elizabeth’s shut office door. They all looked shocked to see her when they looked up.</p><p>“Nadine?” Elizabeth was on her feet quickly, walking toward her. “Is something wrong?”</p><p>She shook her head. “I- I want to go home and… And I don’t think I’ll be coming back.”</p><p>It wasn’t what she wanted, but it was what they all wanted and she didn’t want them to be upset.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The final weeks leading up to surgery were, as far as Nadine was concerned, hell. Outside of seeing Doctor Plattner, she hadn’t left the house since her last day at work and even when she was home, she now barely left the bedroom. Her excuse was the stairs were simply too much work to manage all the time.</p><p>From the middle of the bed, Nadine stared out the windows, the pile of books that had been brought up ignored. Reading seemed pointless, what was the use? There was no one around most of the day to discuss any of it with. There were no long international flights to discuss the merits of Tolstoy or argue the impacts of Dickens on modern culture. Watching TV didn’t hold her interest either. Gone were the days of sneaking moments hanging out in someone’s doorway discussing a shared TV show or upcoming new movie.</p><p>As she’d feared, Doctor Plattner’s last visit had brought less than stellar news. The chemo had worked some, but not as much as she would’ve liked. The hope was surgery would debulk enough to make the next phase more efficient.</p><p>More chemo. More side effects.</p><p>She didn’t want it to be like this, but she had no choice. She’d promised Jason and so far she’d kept a tight lid on her emotions until even she didn’t feel them anymore.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jay quietly entered Elizabeth’s office and sat in one of the chairs. When she finally looked up at him, he gave her a sad smile. “How’s Nadine doing?” He hadn’t seen his friend in over a month already, the office space beside his remained dark as it waited for its occupant to return.</p><p>Elizabeth frowned and carefully put down her pen. “I don’t know.”</p><p>He tipped his head curiously.</p><p>“She doesn’t talk anymore. She… she barely eats, barely comes out of the bedroom at all unless it’s for an appointment or if one of us almost forces her down.” She shook her head. “Her surgery is coming up soon.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“The one thing…” She pressed her lips together, tugging her glasses off. “The one thing she has made clear since the very beginning was that she didn’t want to end up this way. We’re not ready to lose her, but in trying to hold on so tight…” Her eyes met his. “What have we done?”</p><p>“Do you think she would like a visit? I could stop by and be a fresh face?”</p><p>“I- I don’t even know anymore. She’s not the same person anymore. There’s no fight in her. Her body may be alive, but she’s almost gone.”</p><p>“How do you mean?”</p><p>“I think she’s depressed. I think she has decided to give us all what we want and has just shut down. Somewhere in all this, we took everything away from her.” She stared into the middle distance for a few minutes before shifting her attention back to him and sucking in a breath. “Come by. Clearly what we’re doing isn’t working, so you come see her and… I don’t even care what you do. Get her to go out and enjoy something. Get her to talk or- or to just move around a bit. If you need a few days off, we’ll handle it.”</p><p>“Are- are you sure?”</p><p>“I want Nadine back. I will do anything to have her back, even if it means giving her up down the road. Even if it means asking you for help to find her again.”</p><p>“I’m not sure what I can offer.”</p><p>“She has time still before surgery. Maybe you could get her to go do something. I don’t- You two have been friends for years, Jay. Please?”</p><p>“I’ll be there tonight.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>=</p><p>Jay cut the engine to his car just as Elizabeth was stepping out of the SUV. Jogging, he rushed to catch up just as she entered the front door. He hadn’t been here in months, not since the night he’d driven Nadine home.</p><p>Despite there having been at least one person home all day, the house was nearly dark, the curtains were drawn and no lights were on.</p><p>“The kids had things after school and Stevie and Henry both had to work late.” She caught Jay taking in the first floor. “It’s- it’s always like this when we get home. You can go on up.” She waved to the staircase. “I’ll be up with some drinks in a minute.”</p><p>With a nod, Jay climbed the stairs, each step making him incrementally more anxious. At the right room, he paused in the dark doorway. There were no lights on up here either. The bed was piled with pillows and blankets, making it nearly impossible to make out Nadine’s form beneath them.</p><p>Tucked in the bed, Nadine was on her side, staring into nothingness. Jay waited until he saw her eyes blink before speaking.</p><p>“Nadine?”</p><p>She made no move to register he was even there, so he took four steps toward the bed.</p><p>“Nadine?” He waited another minute before gingerly sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching out, touching her shoulder through the blanket. “Hey. It’s me.”</p><p>Another minute passed and then she blinked. Slowly, her eyes met his.</p><p>Jay smiled. “I thought I’d come see how you were doing. Maybe we could hang out for a bit? Catch up on things?” He waited, but she never made a move to speak. He looked around the room, debating how far to push. “Elizabeth mentioned there wasn’t much happening tonight and I have nowhere to be, what do you say we go to the comedy place and make fun of the walk-ons? I bet I could get the others to meet us there. We haven’t done that in a while.”</p><p>He let another minute go before deciding that he wanted a reaction out of her, one way or another and sometimes, he well knew, if you couldn’t get a rise out of Nadine kindly, you almost certainly could by pushing her buttons.</p><p>Jay stood again and took hold of the edge of the blanket, pulling it away. She was in a worn shirt and yoga pants, both of which fit like they were Elizabeth’s instead of her own until he looked harder.</p><p>Then he was speechless.</p><p>She’d lost so much weight in the weeks since he’d seen her last.</p><p>Elizabeth walked in and stopped. He turned to look at her and she seemed to understand. “I know. It’s- It’s a lot.”</p><p>With Elizabeth in the room, Jay felt almost emboldened to try harder. He shifted around and then pulled Nadine up so she was sitting beside him.</p><p>Slowly, she turned to look at him. “Jay.” There was a flicker of something he suspected would’ve been anger if she’d had more energy.</p><p>“Talk to me, come on. Yell at me. Tell me to fuck off. Hell, hit me a bit, I don’t care. But I need you to give me something here.”</p><p>“I’m doing what I’m supposed to.” Her eyes returned to the wall. “I’m doing what everyone has asked of me.”</p><p>He’d thought Elizabeth had been exaggerating. “I think it’s been enough of that. I think it’s time to go back to doing what you want to do. We haven’t pulled an all-nighter in ages. We need Chinese food and some movie we’re going to just talk through and ignore. If you’re not up for going out, we’ll hang at my place. What do you say?”</p><p>From the doorway, Elizabeth caught his attention. “Jay.” She motioned for him to come into the hall. Once they were away from the bedroom, she spoke. “I know your place isn’t very big. I have another idea.”</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“The farm. It’s still nice weather and she loves it there about as much as I do. Maybe we all just need a break from one another and everything else. If you’re up for taking a day or two, I’ll pack her a bag and her medications. You could go tonight, she should be fine for the drive.”</p><p>“Are you sure? Wouldn’t it be better if you and Henry took her?”</p><p>Her face twisted and he thought she would start to cry, but she took a deep breath and seemed to gather herself. “We’re all she sees now… Maybe that’s some of the problem. I don’t want to send her away or- or make her feel like we’re sending her away, but she can’t go on like this. It breaks my heart and the kids… The kids try but they have no idea what to do. They sit with her and get no reaction and when they give her space, well, that’s not helping either.”</p><p>“What about Henry?”</p><p>“He’s either scared or angry. It’s-” She frowned, staring down at her hands. “I hate to admit it, but it’s tearing us all apart.”</p><p>He could see the honesty plain on her face. He nodded. “I’ll take her. I’ll take her wherever she wants to go, whether that’s the farm or France, I’ll take her.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>He glanced back toward the bedroom. “We’ve known one another for over ten years. She is my friend and I would do anything for her.”</p><p>The hallway was quiet for a moment. “Okay. I’ll get her things and the keys to the property. She, um, she will need a good coat. She feels the cold all the time now.” She started to walk back into the bedroom and then stopped. “We didn’t say anything before, but… before things got bad like this, Alison would roll joints for her to smoke. I think it helped her eat. I haven’t smelled it in a while, but if you have a source…”</p><p>He understood what she was suggesting. “I can make a call.”</p><p>=</p><p>Once his car was finally pointed west, Jay turned on the radio and searched a few stations for something he knew she’d like. It took until they were halfway there before Nadine started to speak. “You didn’t have to do this, Jay.”</p><p>“I wanted to.”</p><p>“I don’t need pity.”</p><p>He glanced over in the darkness. “Do you really think I could ever pity you, Nadine? I have watched you dress down everyone short of heads of state. I’ve watched you stand toe to toe with men twice your size who very openly hated you and hold your head high. Hell, you’ve put me in my place more than a few times.” He made a small laugh. “I’ve felt a lot of things for you in the years we’ve known one another, but pity? That’s never even been on my radar.”</p><p>They rode in silence for the next several miles. “I feel so numb.” She turned and stared out the window into the darkness. “Did- did Elizabeth tell you the chemo hasn’t worked as well as they’d hoped.”</p><p>“She didn’t mention it.” More miles passed.</p><p>“I’m dying Jay. Either way, this is it.”</p><p>That she was so candid shook him. She’d clearly accepted it, even if everyone else was still in denial. “What do you want to do?”</p><p>“I have to have-”</p><p>“No.” He cut her off and then reached out and found her hand. “What do <em>you</em> want to do?”</p><p>“I… I don’t know.”</p><p>He could understand that. For the past several months, she’d been bombarded with what everyone else wanted. “How about we work that out? We have time out here, I bet Elizabeth and Henry will be out at the weekend, maybe the kids too. I’ll take notes if you get tired, but we’ll make a list of what you want to do from here on out and that’ll be the plan. We’ll just tell everyone they can get on board or get out of the way.” He gave her hand a squeeze. “Just like the old Nadine.”</p><p>More miles passed and then he heard her sniffle and realized she’d been silently crying. “I’m afraid to die.”</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sunlight was streaming in through the windows as Jay carefully helped Nadine get comfortable in a recliner. “I have breakfast made and I have something for you.” Once she was settled, he dug into a bag and held something up.</p><p>“What is that?”</p><p>“Edibles.”</p><p>She blinked. “…As in…?”</p><p>“Yes. I used a connection and got a nice variety.”</p><p>“You mean you stopped at Daisy’s ex’s house last night. That’s why you wouldn’t tell me what the errand was.”</p><p>“Yes.” He held the container out. “Elizabeth said Alison’s stash had helped you in the past. Let’s see if this helps you now.” When she finally accepted it, he turned back to the kitchen to grab the tray he’d found and filled with food. From the counter, he could see back at an angle Nadine’s profile and it made him pause. In his mind floated imagines from over the last decade of their friendship. He’d seen her express so many feelings, watched her bottle up so much, but this now was something entirely new. He’d never, ever, seen her give up.</p><p>Returning with breakfast, Jay sat close by. “Say I convince everyone to let you stop treatment and never look back. What do you want? Where do you want to go?”</p><p>“I want to go back to work.”</p><p>“Nadine…” He sighed. “Tell me, is it the work you miss or the people? What- what happened the day you decided to stay home?”</p><p>“I just- I wasn’t allowed to do anything anymore. I sat at my desk all alone with nothing to do and- and then Blake got all of you and no one even once thought about me or anything. You’d all already forgotten I even existed. I miss being part of everything.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize we’d done that.” He shook his head. “It was never my intention.”</p><p>“I know.” She picked at the meal he’d prepared. “At home it’s been the same. Jason overheard us arguing about me stopping treatments and got upset. I hated seeing him like that, so I promised I wouldn’t mention it again. The kids, though, try to help by doing everything and I just… All I’m allowed to do now is sit there. Sit in bed, sit on the couch. My whole life almost overnight became me just sitting off to the side while the world moved on.” She looked at him. “I never wanted that.”</p><p>“I know. If you want to be back at work, I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen. I’ll sit in your office all day so you’re not left out if I have to.” He watched at waited.</p><p>Finally, she softly replied. “I- I think it’s too late.” She drew a breath. “I know Elizabeth put me out on medical leave, but I think she needs to fill the position. I’ll tell her to give it to you.”</p><p>“I don’t want your job. It’s your job.”</p><p>“Didn’t- didn’t you hear me last night? I’m dying.”</p><p>“I heard that you were afraid.” He took her hand. “I heard that my friend has spent weeks feeling isolated and unheard and afraid. And I want to fix it.”</p><p>“You can’t.”</p><p>“Do you want this surgery?” When she didn’t respond, he tried again. “Nadine? Do you even want this surgery?”</p><p>“It’s what everyone says I need to do. I should do everything available to prolong my life.”</p><p>“That’s not what I asked.”</p><p>“…No. I don’t want the surgery.”</p><p>“Then I’ll make Elizabeth hear you. I’ll make everyone hear you.”</p><p>“What?” She stared in shock.</p><p>“I have always been on your side. You are who I am loyal to first and foremost. If they aren’t listening to you, then I’ll make them listen. If you don’t want the surgery, then no one is forcing you to have it.”</p><p>“They’ll be angry.”</p><p>“They’re scared, Nadine. They just don’t know how to express it. They don’t want you to die. I don’t want you to die. But I also don’t want to look back in a year or two and regret how I treated you at the end.” He pulled away and sat up straight. “Now. Eat what you can and then we’ll go outside and have a look around. We have the day and I’ve never been here before, you can take me on a tour.”</p>
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<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were sitting against a fence in one of the empty paddocks, Jay casually watching the horses on the next property in a light jacket as Nadine rested beside him in a heavy coat. He’d allowed her to decide on her own how many layers she needed to wear, how far and where to walk, and when to stop. Even when she needed to lean into him and hang on, he never once suggested they take a break or turn back. Now he was waiting for her to recover enough to decide where to go next.</p><p>“I want to go to one last state dinner.”</p><p>Her soft voice took him by surprise, he hadn’t realized she was awake. “A dinner? Why?”</p><p>She lifted her head and met his gaze. “I want to get dressed up again and dance and have a good time.” She sighed. “I want my feet to ache from wearing expensive shoes and I want to lose count of glasses of champagne… I want- I want to listen to the live band and eat something that cost entirely too much money.”</p><p>He considered that for a few minutes and then the upcoming schedule. “You know, we’re hosting Japan in a few weeks.” When her eyes lit up, he realized just how long it’d been since he’d seen her happy. “We can make it our own celebration, you’re last dinner. We could do other things too, all of us. Or at least some of us.”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>Jay shrugged. “Something big like a trip, New York or… I don’t know. Where would you like to go? We can do a bunch of small things too that are just around here. But make it all things that make you happy, that make you laugh.” The sudden appearance of tears was unexpected and he pulled her into a hug. “Hey, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you cry!”</p><p>“No, it’s not you. I- Before all this started, before I started the treatments, Henry said something similar to me, but… But it all fall apart.”</p><p>As she cried, he held her against his chest and rubbed her arm. “We’ll fix it. We’ll all work together and I’ll make sure everyone listens to you, okay?”</p><p>She nodded. “Mm hm.”</p><p>When her crying subsided, he pushed on. “If you had your way…hey.” He gently lifted her face. His chest squeezed, but he drew a breath. “If you had your way… where would you like to be when you go?” He hated to ask it, but it really felt like it was perhaps the best thing he could ask her now. “Do you want to be here, or at home? Is there somewhere else you’d like to be? I know there may not be a choice, but maybe we could at least try.”</p><p>Her eyes slipped shut and for a while he thought she’d fallen asleep again. “I’d like to be at the beach. If- if I had a choice, I’d like to be at the beach. With my family and- and maybe my made family.”</p><p>When the silence filled in again between them, an idea formed in his mind. He filed the idea away for later, he’d have to make some calls.</p><p>Eventually, he decided they needed to head back to the house. “Are you up for walking back now?”</p><p>“I think so.”</p><p>Jay stood and helped her to her feet, holding on carefully as they made the trek back.</p><p>“Jay?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“I want to call Elizabeth when we get inside. I- I want to ask her if she and the family come out here and take your place. I miss them.”</p><p>They hadn’t even been gone twenty-four hours. Jay gave a small smile. “Of course. We’ll make it happen.”</p>
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<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had taken until late into the night for the family to arrive, so Jay had spent another night on the farm. The next morning, he’d gone to great lengths to defend her freedom and independence as breakfast was made and things were sorted out for the day.</p><p>Before he’d driven back to the city, Jay had sat with Nadine facing Henry and Elizabeth and had watched as Nadine had repeated their conversation from the day prior. He made sure everyone was on the same page and that Nadine knew if she ever felt she wasn’t being heard to call him and he’d listen and try to help.</p><p>On the drive as he started to climb into his car, he turned to her one last time. “I will always hear you. I’m in your corner whenever you need a friend.”</p><p>She did her best to smile at him. “Thank you. For everything, Jay. For… for everything over all the years and for whatever you manage to make happen in the coming months.”</p><p>He choked up. “I don’t really want to use goodbye.” It felt wrong. It didn’t need to be used yet. If he said it now, it felt like it would curse it to be the last time he got to say it.</p><p>“How about, I’ll see you next week?”</p><p>“I can do that.” He pulled her into a hug. “If you’re up for it, come in. I’ll find something to keep you busy.”</p><p>=</p><p>Elizabeth sipped coffee from the mug in her hand and stared out the window into the yard. Quietly, Henry came up and stood beside her.</p><p>He pressed a kiss to her hair. “What are you watching?”</p><p>With the mug, she gestured. “Nadine. She’s out in the chair out there.” She sighed. “We haven’t been listening. She’s- she’s trying to make peace with it and we haven’t been listening.”</p><p>He nodded a bit. “We need to make peace with it too.”</p><p>She leaned into him. “I’m going to miss her, Henry. A small part of me wishes we didn’t know after all. It’s not going to hurt any less when she dies. I just… I thought we’d have so much time.”</p><p>“We’ll just have to make the best of what we do have left.”</p><p>“I’m- I’m going to go out and sit with her. I think I want to be with her as much as I can until the end… I may take a leave of absence if I can. Crises only.”</p><p>“I think she’d like that.” He kissed her again and then let go as she slipped out the door, crunching across the drive until she was beside Nadine’s seat.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Nadine.” She knelt at her side. “I’m sorry I haven’t been hearing you.” Her voice caught a moment. “I was thinking… If you want to, you start coming back to work every day. We can meet with Doctor Plattner and make a new plan that you want and you’re in charge of. No sur- no surgery, no more chemo.”</p><p>“Are- are you sure?”</p><p>She took Nadine’s hand. “It’s up to you. We’ll prepare the kids and then- and then we’ll make a list and see and do as many things as we can. I’ll take time off to be with you.” She carefully drew a breath. “I love you. I love you and I’m in love with you, now and forever. I’ll still be in love with you after you’re gone. I have so many things I still want to do with you, Nadine… I- I want to declare my love for you. I wish we could get married or something so you always knew you belonged right here with us. I want to be able to remember your laugh and how it feels to wrap my arms around you.” She looked toward the house. “We should videotape something every day. We should keep a log of every day you have left. We’ve wasted half a year not listening to you, I don’t want to waste any more.”</p><p>“Come here.” She tried to tug her closer. “Kiss me.”</p><p>Elizabeth shifted so she was carefully balanced over her without putting any weight on her as they kissed slowly.</p><p>Nadine eventually pulled back for air. “I think you should help me to the bedroom.” She swallowed. “I want to spend as much time as I can with both of you.”</p>
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<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The banquet room was completely decorated as they entered. Nadine was on Jay’s arm with Henry and Elizabeth walked ahead of her. She’d been back in the office, shadowing either of them for several weeks now and while she still didn’t have a lot to do, she wasn’t left out this time. She had a feeling Jay had talked to everyone about how they treated her and for that she was thankful.</p><p>“Would you like to follow for the introductions or go right to the table?” Jay asked.</p><p>That was another change Jay had been enforcing in everyone. She had heard him making sure anything done was something she was okay with. No assumptions, just asking her opinion. “I’m good to do at least a few.”</p><p>Jay nodded and they fell into step as Blake filled his role at the lead.</p><p>Just past the halfway point, Nadine filled her end of the deal as she leaned into Jay’s arm. “I need to sit now.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>It was part of the bargain, she had to be honest about how she was feeling and what she needed. At the table, she watched as Jay flagged down a waiter for a glass of water. “Hors d’oeuvres are coming out now, would you like anything?”</p><p>Her appetite was coming back in small increments as well. Some of that was the time elapsed since she’d stopped the cocktail, some was the decrease in her stress levels, and some was probably due to the medicinal properties of what Jay was still bringing her. “Surprise me.”</p><p>With a quick nod, Jay went in search of something she could nibble on.</p><p>Nadine waited, sitting back and watching the room. Here she was, right in the middle of it again. Across the room, Matt was attempting to charm some young woman in a slinky blue dress while Daisy was chatting up someone Nadine suspected was a member of the foreign press. Earlier in the day, they’d all promised to spend plenty of time with her wherever she was tonight.</p><p>Someone sat in the chair next to hers and she turned, expecting to see Jay but finding Blake. “Back already?”</p><p>He shook his head. “Henry claimed he had her under control and sent me to sit until Jay returns.”</p><p>“Ah, babysitting duty then.”</p><p>He rolled his eyes but smiled. “Hardly. I’m not sure what makes him think he’s qualified to wrangle her when dealing with diplomats and her in a political venue in general.”</p><p>“Over twenty-five years of marriage?”</p><p>“Doubt that would help. He’d be better off over here with you.”</p><p>She cocked a brow at him. “You don’t want to sit with me?”</p><p>“I’m fine sitting with you. Honestly, you’re a thousand times easier and I’m a little jealous of Jay, but I’d also rather avoid war with Japan.”</p><p>She laughed. “I’ll let Jay know.”</p><p>“Let Jay know what?” Jay sat on her other side.</p><p>She turned to him. “He’s jealous. He thinks you have the easier woman to manage.”</p><p>Jay laughed, eyes finding their boss a moment before looking at his friend. “I’m not trading you. Nadine’s mine. And anyway, you have Henry to help.”</p><p>Blake made a disbelieving noise. “Help? He’s a solid thirty percent of the problem. She’s the remaining eighty.” At Jay’s confused look, he put a hand up. “I know what I said.” He darted off again.</p><p>Pushing a plate across, Jay moved on. “Food. I brought the things we don’t talk about if you want them to help you have an appetite.”</p><p>“Not right now. I want to enjoy the night clearheaded if I can.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>=</p><p>With Henry’s arms around her, Nadine closed her eyes as they danced. She’d been very careful all evening not to be up and about unnecessarily. She wanted to have enough energy to dance as much as possible.</p><p>“It’s nice to get to dance with you like this.”</p><p>His soft words made her smile. “Yes. It is.”</p><p>“It feels like we’re all trying to just soak up as much of tonight as we can. This is- this is the last one and it just feels so… final.”</p><p>“I know.” She opened her eyes and looked up at him. “It’s good though, being here. After tonight there won’t really be a reason to hang on to any of my formal stuff. I could ask the girls if they want some of it, I think they’ might like that… I’d like that.”</p><p>“It can wait till after, Nay.”</p><p>She shook her head. “I’ll pick a couple pieces each so I can see them wear it before I go. I’m not sure how much more I’ll go to the office after this week. I think- I think it’s time to let Jay run things without me under foot.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>Nadine nodded. “We have a lot of things planned for whatever time I have left. I think it’s time to make them a priority.”</p><p>Henry swallowed back the lump forming in his throat. “I agree.” It’d hurt him, accepting that this was the end of things. He’d sat in tears as the doctor had drawn up a new plan for the remainder of Nadine’s life, which didn’t include much until the very end. They’d discussed advanced directives and drafted new wills and it all felt so very final. Too final.</p><p>“May I have this dance?”</p><p>Henry turned, startled that someone was speaking. Blake was standing at their side. “Well?” He looked down at Nadine.</p><p>“Of course.” She put a hand out, accepting the transfer from one man’s arms to the next. “You set her free?” She chuckled.</p><p>“I gave up. What happens tonight, happens.”</p><p>“Very non-neurotic of you.” She teased.</p><p>Blake shrugged. “I will blame whatever happens on collective anguish over knowing you will be leaving us soon.” He studied her for a minute as they slowly danced. “This is it, isn’t it? After tonight, you’re not coming back.”</p><p>She wondered how he’d worked it out. “I don’t believe so, no. I think it’s time for me to start focusing on what I want out of my remaining time.”</p><p>He nodded quickly, blinking hard to clear the tears in his eyes. “I know I haven’t had many of them, but you’re the best boss I’ve ever had. I think you always will be.”</p><p>“I was never your boss.”</p><p>He shrugged. “Close enough. What- what will you do now?”</p><p>She debated how much to say, but then decided it didn’t really matter. “I’m going to write letters. I want the kids to have a letter for their wedding days, for their first child… I- I want Elizabeth and Henry to have letters too for various times in the future. Jason helped me work out how to make and save videos, so I’m going to do some of them too. I mean, the family has been taping all sorts of things.” She gave a small laugh. “Meals, car rides, shopping. Henry’s made it his mission to record me laughing as often as possible so they can listen to it over and over.”</p><p>“Jay mentioned going out, taking trips.” He watched for her reaction. “He and I talk. It’s easier to manage the two of you if we talk and get on the same page. But Nadine? Anywhere you want me to be, I’m there. I’ll get a cover on the desk, I’ll take a leave of absence. Whatever you or the family needs.”</p><p>“The whole staff can’t take leave at once.” She already had Jay insisting he wasn’t even asking and Elizabeth would do it whenever she felt it was needed.</p><p>“Watch us.”</p><p>His confidence that they would do it anyway made her roll her eyes, but not in irritation. She felt happy that they wanted to be around her for whatever was left, even if she wasn’t going to be their coworker anymore. She spotted Jay walking their way. “I think someone else is going to want a turn.”</p><p>Blake turned and then teasingly pulled her closer. “Mine, you can’t have her.”</p><p>Jay laughed as Nadine did. “Come on, Man. You’ll wear her out the way you dance with her and I want a turn. So does Matt actually but he’s nervous to ask.”</p><p>She pushed Blake back gently. “Go check on Elizabeth.”</p><p>“Fine.” He groused, placing her hand in Jay’s before walking away.</p><p>Alone, Jay pulled her close and carefully started to dance. “I have to say, it’s amazing what a difference a few weeks has made. I’m sorry I didn’t see how unhappy you’d gotten. As your friend, I feel I should’ve noticed it.”</p><p>“I didn’t want to be unhappy.”</p><p>“I know.” He listened to the music a bit before speaking again. “Are you still scared?”</p><p>She stared up at him for a long while, trying to work out what he meant. When it hit her, she stopped moving all together as she tried to think of the answer. “Yes. I’m- I’m scared that it won’t be quick. I’m scared that I won’t have the people around me that I want with me. I’m scared… I’m scared that I will end up crying or that I’ll…” She trailed off a minute. “Or that I’ll still have things I wanted to do.” She cupped his cheek with one hand. “I’m scared I’ll see the sadness in everyone’s eyes and that you will all mourn too long for me. Please remember that I won’t hurt anymore. I won’t struggle with all these things anymore. I am terrified of leaving all of you behind.”</p>
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<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nadine’s sides ached from laughing so hard. The whole family had spent the entire weekend around the city doing all sorts of fun things. She’d accepted weeks ago that excursions would now always mean her riding in a wheelchair. The kids had insisted on taking turns pushing her around the various museums and markets they’d visited.</p><p>Now there were at an arcade and she was watching as Stevie pummeled Jason at the air hockey table. Both were trying to keep their smack talk clean for her sake, which was only making her laugh harder.</p><p>“How are you doing?” Elizabeth knelt beside her. “Tired?”</p><p>“I am. I’m not ready to go home yet though.” She smiled at Elizabeth. “What are we doing next weekend?” Every weekend now seemed filled with something either as a family or with part of all of the staff.</p><p>“We have something planned, but it’s a surprise. I, um… I hope it’s an okay surprise, but if I asked you anything it would give it away.”</p><p>Now she was curious. “With the family?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Are we going up to New York?” She knew it was still being discussed though she hadn’t heard yet about plans being finalized.</p><p>“Will you stop asking?” She laughed. “I promise it will be a surprise we will all enjoy.”</p><p>The following Saturday morning, after a very early start, Nadine stared out the SUV window as the motorcade pulled to a stop at a massive house right on the Atlantic Ocean. “Where are we?” She turned to Elizabeth.</p><p>“There’s someone else who can answer that better. Sit tight a second.” Elizabeth and Henry both crawled out, leaving her on her own a moment as they talked with the kids who’d ridden separately.</p><p>The door of the house opened and Jay, of all people, walked down the steps, greeting them both. After several minutes, it was he who walked over and helped her out of the car. “I’m sure you have questions.”</p><p>“So many.”</p><p>“This house is owned by a very good friend of mine. They don’t rent it out, so it sits empty most of the year. It sleeps twelve, which is just enough.”</p><p>“For?”</p><p>He gestured up the steps as they reached the base as the rest of the staff came out. Slowly, he helped her climb the stairs to the porch where Elizabeth was waiting.</p><p>“Come inside, Baby. There’s something Henry and I want to ask you.”</p><p>She gave Elizabeth a confused look but followed her inside, taking in the huge open plan space as they found Henry staring out across the water.</p><p>“Henry.” Elizabeth called to him.</p><p>Henry turned and took Nadine’s free hand, holding her close as well. “We wanted to do something and it’s all planned out, so we’re kind of banking on you agreeing.”</p><p>Nadine smiled. “Henry. Out with it.”</p><p>He looked at Elizabeth a moment and pulled something from his pocket. “We wanted to ask you to marry us. It will be official in all but filing it. I was planning on us being together for years to come, but I’ll have to just carry you in my heart instead. Both of us want to say you are ours not only until death, but forever.”</p><p>She looked between them and then turned back, suddenly realizing that the kids and the staff were all dressed a bit too nice for just a day on the beach. “You- you mean… today?”</p><p>They both nodded. “We have an officiant waiting for us to say the word.”</p><p>“We have a dress waiting for you and everything.” Elizabeth added. “What do you say?”</p><p>Nadine stared out at the water and thought about it. One thing she’d pushed away as never possible for years, especially since she began dating the two of them, was now within her grasp. She looked back at Elizabeth. “I say it’s a beautiful day for a wedding.”</p>
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<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Chapter 31</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elizabeth quietly let herself into the bedroom and slipped into the bed beside Nadine. Their beach wedding had been several months ago and for weeks after, things had been wonderful. Almost overnight, however, Nadine had taken a turn and Elizabeth had taken a leave of absence to stay at her side.</p><p>Nadine slept most days now. The doctor had been out regularly and had whispered that it was now a waiting game. It could be weeks still, or it could happen in a blink. There was no way to tell.</p><p>She combed back Nadine’s hair with her fingers and pressed a kiss to her temple. She’d lost weight again and with it, the last of her strength. “I love you, Baby.” A tear dripped down her cheek. They all cried a lot these days, sometimes alone, often together.</p><p>The staff checked in daily, waiting for word. Elizabeth knew they were wanting to take leave if they could to be there, but they were all scared to hold a vigil.</p><p>Nadine’s breathing changed and Elizabeth knew she was waking as much as she ever did now. “I’m here, Baby. I’m right here.”</p><p>Blindly, Nadine searched for her hand. “Liz… Can we go?”</p><p>Her heart clenched and she found it hard to breathe. “Do you think we should go, Baby?”</p><p>The plan, though they’d all been unsure whether it’d be able to be executed or not, was to drive the three hours back to the beach house for the end. They were all going to go, the family, the staff.</p><p>Nadine’s eyes cracked open, perhaps for the first time in days. “Can we go?”</p><p>“I’ll call everyone. We can go.”</p><p>=</p><p>It was perhaps the fastest they’d organized and made any trip as they all rushed to get to the coast. Elizabeth had ridden in one SUV on her own with Nadine resting her head in her lap while Henry rode with the kids to keep them calm.</p><p>The closer the motorcade had gotten to the beach house, the more Elizabeth had noticed irregularities creeping into Nadine’s breathing as she slept. By the time them pulled in, sunset was darkening the sky and the staff were lined up, silently waiting.</p><p>“She’s here.” Elizabeth whispered as she carefully got out. “Henry?”</p><p>He kissed her. “I’ll carry her in.” Nadine didn’t rouse at all as he lifted her from the seat and carried her into the house.</p><p>Jay turned as they all followed. “She’s close?”</p><p>Elizabeth nodded. “It feels… I don’t think we’ll be here long.” She squeezed his arm. “If I forget later, thank you, Jay. Thank you for being such a good friend to her.” She turned and face her staff and children. “We should all get settled, I’m guessing none of us will be sleeping tonight.”</p><p>=</p><p>There had been a small debate on what Nadine would have wanted. In the end, Jay had won out saying her wish had been to be at the beach and so they should get her as close as possible.</p><p>Into the night, he and the others worked on making up a bed on the back deck where Nadine could be in a position to see and hear the ocean if she roused enough, though they doubted she would again. Once it was ready, Jay had softly asked Henry and Elizabeth if he could carry her out there, one last thing to do for his friend.</p><p>Once Nadine was settled, they all got comfortable on the deck in chairs and on blankets and pillows, all as close as they could be. As the night progressed, the only sound was the ocean and Nadine’s labored breathing, interrupted by the occasional bird.</p><p>By sunrise, no one was even willing to move to find coffee to wake up a bit more. Not a single one of them were willing to step away for a second.</p><p>Elizabeth and Henry had spent the entire night lying along either side of Nadine, but carefully sat up as daylight began to break and Nadine’s breaths shifted to shorter gasps.</p><p>“Henry.” Elizabeth reached out for his hand. “She- she can’t breathe.”</p><p>He squeezed her hand. “She knows we’re all here. She knows she’s not alone.”</p><p>More time began to pass between gasps.</p><p>“Blake?” Elizabeth softly asked.</p><p>She didn’t have to say anything more. “I have the number, Ma’am.” As soon as it was time, he’d call for the death to be confirmed and her body to be collected. He’d almost insisted on it, knowing full well Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to do it.</p><p>The kids moved from their spots on the deck around the bed to sitting on the end so they could all reach out as they offered reassuring words that they were there.</p><p>A calm seemed to pass over them all and then Nadine’s gasps noticeably decreased in frequency.</p><p>The staff moved closer as well, wanting to be a part of their friend’s final moment.</p><p>Minutes passed of nothing but sounds of the ocean, no breaths, no rise and fall of her chest.</p><p>Another minute and Henry gently took Nadine’s wrist and waited. He swallowed and looked up, making eyes contact with everyone. “She’s gone.”</p><p>No one made a move right away, too caught up in the silence. Each one of them lost in thoughts of the friend who was now gone.</p>
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<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Chapter 32</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Epilogue</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p>None of them had rushed to clear out Nadine’s office, though her most personal belongings had been removed on her last day. While she’d been alive, it’d felt wrong and then after she’d passed it’d felt too soon. Jay had taken over her position, but still worked for weeks in his old office.</p><p>They’d all come in on a weekend when they knew the floor would be empty and, silently, had begun clearing out the room. Elizabeth and Henry had given them permission to take something to keep as a memento.</p><p>Opening one of the cabinets, Blake hesitated and then lifted something out. “Jay.” He turned around. In his hands were mailer envelopes thick with plain white ones.</p><p>“What are those?” Together they moved to the desk as Matt and Daisy joined.</p><p>Blake poured out the first and spread the envelopes out. “They have our names on them. They…” He picked up a few, reading off what they said under his name. “For a day when you had a major loss… For when you fall in love… For when your heart is broken… There’s a bunch of them.”</p><p>Daisy picked up a few. “And there are some like that for all of us. There are dozens of letters here.” She pulled one out. “She thought of everything. There’s one here for if we become a parent.” Her eyes pricked with tears as she swallowed hard. “All the advice she would’ve given us.”</p><p>“What’s in the other one?” Matt asked.</p><p>Blake poured the second one out too. “These are for the family. Kids’ wedding days, having their own families, graduations…”</p><p>Jay peered into the cabinet the envelopes had been stowed away in. “There’s another letter in here, Blake, it’s marked for you.” He pulled it out and handed it over. “It doesn’t say anything else.”</p><p>Nervously, Blake opened it and pulled out the sheet of paper, reading it over to himself as his breath caught, a soft chuckle surfacing at one point. Once he got to the bottom, he started again aloud.</p><p>
  <em>Blake-</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I thought long and hard about where to leave all of these letters and where to leave something for you and then I remembered the Rolodex and figured you would check this cabinet first. I know it’s a lot to ask, but can you make sure everyone gets their letters? I don’t want them to ever think I’ve forgotten them when they have something to celebrate or when they’ve had a bad day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Help Henry look after Elizabeth for me. She is going to need it, not just for a little while, but forever. She should run for president, don’t let her convince you she doesn’t want it. She’ll come around. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When she’s having a bad day, give her the blanket off my couch to wrap up in. She’ll have a fit at first, but it will be what she needs. And don’t let her not talk about me. She bottles things up and then makes herself sick.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Remind the staff that I’m always there to listen, they don’t need to wait until they force themselves to a cemetery to talk to me. Heaven knows that with your schedules, that could be next to never. I’m rooting for all of you every single day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tell Jay he’s the best guy for the job and he’ll make an awesome future Russell. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tell Matt and Daisy to just get married already and have a bunch of kids. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You get married too, Blake. It’s a job and I know you’re devoted to it, but it’s not your life. (Ask Stevie out at least once.)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everyone needs to look out for one another. One day soon this job will end and you will all go your separate ways, but this bond you’ve made here will last a lifetime. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thank you for being some of the best coworkers and family I have ever had.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>-Your Friend, Nadine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One last thing. There is a box in the credenza in Elizabeth’s office, since I know she never, ever goes in it. I made videos for everyone and saved them on flash drives. I also enlisted Oliver to save them in a way that they will be safe from being corrupted. </em>
</p><p>Blake slowly looked up at his coworkers as he unabashedly wiped away his tears. “That’s- that’s all it says.”</p><p>The room was silent. Jay looked around at everyone else. “I- I guess we have our marching orders then.”</p><p>“I really don’t want to watch those videos-” Daisy started.</p><p>“-But at the same time I just want to see her again.” Matt finished. “We’re the only ones here today. We could…” He drew a breath. “We could sit in the SVTC room and watch something?”</p><p>Another few minutes passed before Blake finally nodded. “I’ll go find them.” No one else moved until he came back. “There’s one for each of us and then one that just says team.”</p><p>They all followed Blake down to the conference room and took a seat as he set everything up. A file list appeared on the screen, each file carefully labelled.</p><p>Daisy pointed at one. “What’s that one? It just says montage.”</p><p>Blake thumbed down and selected the file before taking a seat.</p><p>For a moment, there was nothing and then Nadine appeared, her voice making them all bite back a reaction. “I had to get outside help to make this. It was- Maybe it’s silly and you’ll all hate it.” She smiled directly into the camera and to each of them it felt like she was looking directly at them. “If not, well, maybe one day it’ll help somehow.”</p><p>The screen changed and they all realized quickly what it was. Slides and short clips rotated as memories swarmed the screen. Press conferences, dinners, casual time on the plane or out somewhere. There were clips they’d taken and shared amongst themselves of half-drunk poker games and pranks. There was laughter, from all of them. The video carried on for several minutes before cutting back to Nadine. Her fingers were over her mouth and then she blew them a two-handed kiss. “I love you all.”</p><p>The screen went dark and they all sat silently and stared at their blurred reflections.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>*****</strong>
</p><p>Elizabeth sat in the chaise in the corner and stared at the bed, one hand absently toying with her hair. In recent weeks, she’d sat here a lot. Ever since the last time they’d taken Nadine out of the room.</p><p>She hated the bed now. It felt too big with only two people in it. The room felt too big with Nadine’s stuff gone. Their shared closet stood half empty, her things still pushed to one end. The bathroom counter was more of the same. There were holes everywhere. Holes where Nadine had once fit in perfectly.</p><p>She suddenly became aware of Henry watching from the doorway. “I miss her.” She stated. “Henry I… How do I do all this without her beside me?” She ducked her head. “I’m sorry. I still have you and I should be thankful.”</p><p>He crossed and knelt beside her. “Don’t be sorry. We both lost her and we both hurt tremendously.”</p><p>“The bed’s too big. I think we need to replace it. I feel so alone at night now.”</p><p>“What if… what if we just put it in the guest room? I- I feel the same but at the same time, I don’t want to get rid of it. That was ours together. We can go buy a whole new bedroom set if you want. I just… when I see all this, I think of her and one day I don’t think it’ll hurt anymore.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>He nodded. “Would you like to watch some of the videos?” They had hundreds of little videos they’d all made in Nadine’s final months. So far, Elizabeth hadn’t been willing to watch any of them. “It might help, Babe.”</p><p>“Yeah. We- we can try.”</p><p>Henry went in search of the laptop and then situated them both on the chaise. He clicked on the happiest clips, the ones where they’d all laughed, but especially when he knew they’d caught Nadine’s slightly crazed and out of control laughter. An hour passed as they tearfully watched. When the next clip loaded, Henry didn’t recognize it.</p><p>“What’s this?” Elizabeth looked from where it appeared Nadine was recording herself up to Henry for an answer.</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>Nadine’s eyes looked past the camera into the distance before looking back again as she smiled. “I’m guessing that by the time you’re finding this, I’ve been gone a while. I don’t know if my office has been cleaned out yet or not, if so then good if not…” She gave a small chuckle. “What are you waiting for? I just want to say that… that I love the two of you, and the kids, more than anything else in the world. Remember to be happy again. Remember to be madly in love with one another again. Elizabeth, you aren’t hurting me or forgetting me by loving Henry like you always have. Remember how you told me, adding me in wasn’t taking away from what the two of you had. You still have that love that has lasted you nearly three decades. You’re both hurting and you’re both missing me, but remember that what you have between you is still solid.”</p><p>She went quiet and her gaze moved to the distance again. “My favorite place was tucked in bed between the two of you. I felt cared for, protected. I felt loved. Not just because you both were there but because around me, you still reached for one another and that kind of love was just overwhelming to me.”</p><p>Nadine looked right at the camera again. “I love you. Both of you. I never wanted to see you hurting like you are now. I know it doesn’t make sense now and maybe you’re angry at me, but going this way is better for everyone. There will come a time when that will make sense.” She took a deep breath. “Elizabeth, run for president. Henry, make her do it. Take care of each other. Take care of the kids and the grandkids that will come.” She smiled, amused by some thought. “Maybe they’ll name one after me.” She paused and then sighed. “I need to go now. Goodbye.”</p><p>The next clip started to play and Nadine’s laughter burst through the speakers before Henry could smack the button to stop it. The bedroom instantly plunged into silence.</p><p>Curled together, neither of them spoke, but they both felt it. That goodbye felt more final than anything else had. It played on loop in their minds in Nadine’s soft voice.</p><p>
  <em>‘I need to go now. Goodbye.’</em>
</p>
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